Busfare to Nowhere

Olympic Hash

2008-08-25T13:31:00.000-07:00

Olympics, blah blah blah. Fun to watch, but this year we watched them in Asia and it really opened my eyes. Covereage in the US has always centered around baseball, basketball, gymnastics... you know real sports! In Asia I could not believe the coverage of the "other sports."

1) Ping Pong, oh excuse me table tennis. This is not a sport, it is game you play in your buddies basement with a few beers.
2) Badminton, see ping pong but substitute basement for back yard.
3) Rhythmic gymnastics. Dancing with a ribbon or a hoop or a salad server doesn't make it a sport. Show me some crumping, now that is intense.

Then I wanted to see what other things were recognized as sport by the IOC, wait it gets worse.

Bridge
Billiards
Tug of War

Bogus.

Also Baseball and Softball are cut for 2012, and they tried to add Karate and Squash in their place but there wasn't enough support for those sports either. Maybe there needs to be some Texas Hold 'em, look at what that has done for Binions!

Stick a fork in me

2008-07-31T22:19:00.000-07:00

... for better or worse, I am done!

Mini-Crusade

2008-07-14T13:14:00.000-07:00

One day while my wife was driving me to the gym she asked (randomly) "Do you think San Francisco has the most mini coopers of any city?" My thoughts were in this order:

1) What! and Why? Does this even matter?

2) Why would she think that I was familiar with vehicle registrations from county to county, or that I could even begin to answer?

3) Is this something that needs to occupy my time?

Well we were 6 blocks from the gym where after asking the question I sleepily said "I have no idea". Then we counted 6 mini coopers. One on each block. Since then I have begun counting mini coopers on every trip I take. I also count how many blocks I go and figure out my cooper/block ratio. I am totally obsessed, this is like the slug bug game from my childhood but even worse (cause I don't get to hit my little brother).

This has led me to search the dark recesses of the CA DMV website in an attempt to assuage my OCD. If I knew the number of coopers divided by the population on a county by county basis then I could stop all this counting. But alas all that I could find was a very basic statistic sheet, there are 22,086,593 registered automobiles in CA. BUT HOW MANY ARE COOPERS, AND WHERE ARE THEY!!!!!@!!??!?

Also total registered vehicles in CA is 33,539,486. According to the census there are 36,457,549 people in CA, and 26.1% are under 18. Now I know it is inaccurate but let's assume equal distribution, which means that 23.2% are <16 years old. This means that there are 27,999,397 people in CA that are old enough to drive/own a car. Which means that CA has 1.2 cars per driver. This blows my mind. I know that some people (my folks) have more cars than they can drive, but I thought there would be a lot more single car households (like mine) that would offset this number. CA has more cars than we can possibly drive. Sad.

Let The Games Begin II

2008-06-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

On the flip-side, here is what is being circulated on the intertubes about your hero and mine, America's P.O.W. sweetheart... John McCain.

John McCain's Wife is a Philanthropist and a Hero.

John McCain's Son is a Hero.

McCain is a Hero

This is gonna get ugly.

Let the Games Begin

2008-06-04T09:52:00.001-07:00

I have been noticing for some time now that snopes has had a wealth of "stories" about Barack Obama. All of these stories are fueled by racism, and fear. Now that he has almost secured the Democratic nomination, I will bet that these things are just going to keep on going and probably getting worse. I think that the saddest part is that some idiot starts these and other idiots will open the spam e-mail and believe it. By the time the election rolls around these narrow minded assholes are going to be spamming everyone with stories that Barack Obama is a child raping, baby eating satanist that single handedly planned and executed the events of September 11th. I mean they are already calling him the anti-christ, How much further can they go?

So here are the spams so far:

Mis-quotes that paint him as an America Hating Racist.

Barack Obama's Mother is a Jesus Hating Communist.

Barack Obama is a Liar.

Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ?!?!

Barack Obama's Family Orchestrated the Political Violence in Kenya.

Barack Refuses to say the National Anthem.

Barack Does Not Know How to Hold a Telephone.

Michelle Obama Has Something to Hide in Her Senior Thesis

Barack Obama is Liar Part II

Obama Family Photo Depicting Barack's Relations as Crack-Addicts and Gay Porn Stars

Misrepresentation of the "Change" Theme

Hugo Chavez is Funding Barack Obama's Campaign

The KKK has Endorsed Barack Obama.

Barack Obama's Church is Muslim Shit, that doesn't even make sense. If a church were Muslim it would be a Mosque.

Barack Obama Refuses to Salute the Flag

Barack Obama took his Oath of Office on the Quran, His Father was a Radical Muslim Terrorist, and He is a Radical Muslim Himself who is Trying to Take Down the USA... From the INSIDE!

This is going to be crazy for the next 5 months.

Space Lab

2008-05-29T13:19:00.001-07:00

Is it wrong that I see humorous irony in the fact that the Japanese section of the International Space Station will be the largest of them all?

Also leave it to Russia to build a toilet that takes two guys 10 minutes to flush. Isn't space a vacuum?

I am officially old

2008-04-28T13:56:00.000-07:00

I feel so old. I used to know like 95% of the coachella line up and could probably have sung along to at least 2 songs for 60% of the bands. That is to say I didn't just "know of" them but I owned a CD, or had at least heard it enough on the college radio station that I could sing along. Now I don't recognize even a lot of the headliners.

http://www.coachella.com/event/lineup

Bands I know (but am also not really proud that I know them):
Jack Johnson -hate
The Verve -didn't they all die in a tour bus parking incident
The Breeders =LOVE
Aphex twin -roommate into raves in the late 90's, bad times. Also this is not real "music" I cannot stand this shit.
Fatboy slim -Sweet baby Jesus I HATED that stupid fucking "praise you" song so much. Therefore I never cared to listen to any more of that crap. Could there be a more annoying song?
Slightly stoopid -yeah I was a rude boy in the 90's so of course
Flogging molly -you can't spend as much time in Irish pubs as I do and not know who this is
Stephen Malkmus -I still miss pavement
Dwight Yoakam -yup, guitars and Cadillacs, love me some hillbilly music
Death Cab -can't get enough
Portishead -not a big fan but I have heard them enough
Prince - duh
Linton Kwesi Johnson - natural progression from rude boy to dub lover
Perry Farrell- is it sad that I know Jane's Addiction and porno for pyros more than anything else he's done recently?

And that's it.

I also didn't even know that it happened. Yup I am officially no longer cool. FUCK!

Wow, I feel like the worst person ever

2008-03-24T10:26:00.001-07:00

I just found out that my High School sweetheart's mother died... a while ago. We fell out of touch, so I guess it is not my fault that I didn't know, but I feel terrible right now. I have looked for a memorial fund, or a place to donate but have not found anything specific. I don't know any of the details, and I also do not think that it is my place to find out but I did hear that it was cancer. Maybe I should just donate to a general cancer research fund to set the world back into balance.

Cardio is my Fiber

2007-11-28T12:26:00.000-08:00

After a few weeks off at the gym I got kind of stopped up. Actually the story is a little more involved than that...

I had to take time off because I was pretty sick, like no more than 20' from a toilet kind of sick. The kind of run-right-through-you-and-leave-a-hefty-smear-of-green-foam-all-over-the-ass type sick. Then after I kicked the illness I had the opposite problem, I couldn't get rid of anything. No poop for three days is scary for a guy like me. I am Mr. Regular.

I thought maybe my body was so purged of intestinal fodder that it required something, anything, everything to hold on to. When I did shit it wasn't the resounding triumph of nature that a guy can be proud of. They looked more like those pitiful snakes that Californians are forced to light on the fourth of July because we don't get cool fireworks like they do in Missouri.

Me, I like pooping. I do it well. I was deprived of my morning relief. Sadness enveloped me and I needed release.

I turned to the only resource I had to ass-ist (couldn't resist) with a feeble attempt at self diagnosis, the Internet. There were many sites out there that perpetuate the urban legend that John Wayne had 40+ lbs. of beef impacted into his lower intestine. They insisted that all I really needed was a high colonic, or an herbal solution. I actually considered purchasing this product.

Yeah, I was that bad off. I kept looking through the website and found testimonials where people position hideous looking things that they shit out and then photograph them to document their cleansing process. Things like this:

Allow me to interpret the contents of this photo for you dear reader. This person is so proud of their discharge that they are holding said dripping discharge on a butter knife in front of the good white towels while the discharge is dripping ass juice and toilet water all over the bathroom floor, and then photographing it.

OH MY GAWD!!@! What the hell? Is that really inside me? If I take this product will I be able to abort the fetal hell spawn that Satan has implanted in my anus while I sleep at night as punishment for all of my sins? If I did take this colon cleanse and discharge a fetal hell spawn from my ass would I then be compelled to take photographic evidence of my rectal discharge? Then I considered it after reading more testimonials... Could I really loose a bunch of weight in the form of colon critters? Would I be healthier? Stronger? Faster? Better? Simply by taking some herbs...

Nawh!

I snapped back to reality, but what happened to the butter knife? Do you think he wiped it off and put it back in the drawer? That is just the kind of thing a guy who would take pictures of abnormal shit would do. Gross.

Note to self. Bring own butter knife with you where ever you go.

Well to make a short story long and then short again. I pooped no less than 5 times after a good round of vigorous exercise. Exercise was the other thing that the almighty Internet recommended to recapture regularity that I wasn't already doing. I figured that the gym is already a sunk cost and I didn't need to pay 200 bucks for some herbs that were going to force me to lay evil ass babies.

I guess they are just born that way...

2007-11-26T11:14:00.000-08:00

I was playing fetch with my dog on Saturday when a happy family walked by us. Mom, Dad, baby in stroller and a toddler girl sitting on her Dad's shoulders. I got this snippet of their conversation:

Toddler Girl: Oooh that doggy is fast.
Dad: Yes he sure is.
TG: He has to mind his master doesn't he?
D: Yes
TG: He minds well, doesn't he.
D: Yes
TG: Daddy can I have one of those shiny collars?

D: Let's see if Santa can get you one?

Whoa. Dogs.

Kind a sad...

2007-11-08T12:16:00.000-08:00

So my brother's friend is looking to move to SF soon and I decided to surf craigslist.org for a few apartments in his price range. I wanted to see what a swinging bachelor could get for between 1000 and 1500 dollars in the city. I kept coming across these photos with the ads.

How freaking sad is this picture. I get that they are trying to make it cute and clear that they do not want animals in the house, but it is still sad. Sort of, well, if you have a dog you are going to have to pack all of his worldly possessions (2 bones) into a hobo sack and set him off into the world... sad-faced... alone, or maybe with that bitch of a cat.

You Are NOT SPECIAL!!!

2007-10-16T10:56:00.000-07:00

No you are not special. We are all human beings essentially sacks of meat who have the purpose of increasing the world's entropy. We consume and defecate and that is about it. Yeah yeah yeah self determination, find happiness, and make a wonderful life for yourself all well and good. But I can't help but think that people feel privileged over other people, are we raising a society that feels that they are so damn special that they trump other people on a basic level? I don't know but I do have some observations.

1) People are so far in their own world that they do not recognize other's existence.

a) Riding the shittle I was the first person to get to the stop and the last person on the bus, if I had seen someone get to the stop before me I would always let them on first. Why are you so much more important that you get a seat and I have to stand. If you were to pull this shit on muni someone would check you. They have this all sorted out at the grocery store deli counter, and even if I have a ticket and you beat me there and forgot to pull one, I will let you go first.

b) Your umbrella is not a force field that allows you to ignore everyone around you. Fuck you, you filthy shitting sack of meat.

2) Then you have these idiots. Seriously what the fuck!? I do not understand. What you didn't get an invitation to the party, or your dream girl turned you down for the homecoming dance so you think it is OK to unleash a chemical attack on the cool kids. FUCK YOU! You are not special, you do not get to increase your specialness by attacking those that you perceive to be more special. I blame Columbine. People were so quick to attack media, and violence in video games that they failed to point out that those kids were idiots, and they took the cowards way out without having to pay for their crime. I hope these shitting sacks of meat get their poop covered ass nailed to the wall. P.S. you had alcohol, ALCOHOL. Drink that shit and you are instantly cooler in high school anyway.

3) I come close to being hit by a car, or cursed out by a driver for being a pedestrian at least once per week. Either they are so busy talking on a cell phone or trying to buy drugs that they do not see me in the cross walk. Or they see me and decide that the fact that I occupy a few cubic meters of space in front of their private bubble (read car) that it warrants a thorough ass chewing, honking, aggravated accelerator depression, or all three to let me know that they disapprove of my meat sack slowing their commute by 4 seconds. SHITFUCK, IAM NOT MOTHERFUCKINGSORRY! And I want to kick your ass for being an idiot, FUCKING HIT ME MOTHERFUCKER!

I know that this is not a funny post. I am just sick and tired of people shitting on other people. I am tired of getting shit on too, so I guess that just stating that I must think I am more special than other people. I just feel that common courtesy is gone. Maybe San Francisco has chewed up my idealistic teenage heart that I met her with and left me with a lump of shit longing for Mayberry. I don't know, I am just tired of people.

I think this is my worst blog post ever. Had to get it off my chest, and I promise to resume with the funnies. Sorry faithful reader.

Overheard at the Medical Center

2007-10-10T08:24:00.000-07:00

Girl: You know I would never cheat on you, you should know me better than that.
Boy: I did but when I found you with a dick in your mouth I HAD to break your jaw. You left me no choice.
Girl: Sorry... (inaudible)

OMG Ponies

2007-10-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

Quick posts/thoughts.
1) Need to get back into this
2) I saw a bumper sticker that read OMG!!1! PONIES!!!!!!! yesterday. I must have it.
3) Duane "The Rock" Johnson gave the U 1 million dollars to the football program and he will have the locker room named after him...

Can we please for the love of all that is great call this space the "rocker room" I would love it sooo much.

MARK ECKO IS A FUCKING IDIOT!

2007-09-26T08:46:00.000-07:00

http://www.vote756.com/marcecko/

What a jackass, that is all.

Complications with Fruit

2007-07-19T13:37:00.000-07:00

My dear wife has been trying to get me to eat more fruit. A worthy goal since I usually like my fruit in "starburst" form. I have decided that fruit needs to be organized in order of complexity to eat. I have come up with the list in an attempt to 1) make any thing possible funny, and 2) bring more order to my otherwise chaotic life. I have arranged these fruits on my scale of 1-10 based on... well nothing other than my opinion.

#1 The apple.

Yeah tasty, but not that complicated. In fact if you were new to the whole eating food thing you could eat the whole thing without repercussions. Ever hear of the apple core club, then you didn't spend enough time at the Yosemite kids camp and are clearly 20x cooler than I am.

#2 The grape

Although you can do a lot of wonderful (alcoholic) things that are probably quite complicated; this fruit of the gods mostly comes seedless, and all you have to do is pick the sweet morsels from a stem and blam-o! flavor! The only reason our legal team keeps us from writing about "so easy a child could do it" is the sheer number of grape induced child deaths from asphyxiation. If I have to read about one kid choking to death on a grape, so help me GOD!!! I'll have all their asses, ALL THEIR ASSES!

#3 The banana

Peel and eat, big whoop.

#4 The watermelon

This fruit requires skills in a few areas. First it helps to not be color blind, you have to stop eating when you get to the white part. Second you should be able to slice with a knife, however technique is really not required with the whole cutting part. And one more thing I bet you could eat it if you just dropped it and broke it open, so on second thought fuck the knife, go caveman on that melon's ass.

#5 StrawberriesDelicious, mostly edible, no knife required so what the hell is a strawberry doing at 5? Drip and stain factor. I have sent more ties to the drycleaners for this devilish fruit's propensity for destruction than I have had forced anal insertions (for you keeping score at home that is 4 ties to the cleaners and 0 forced anal insertions.)

#6 Kiwi
Difficult to peel, should be sliced, very slimy to hold and rather exotic and forbidden. I am pretty sure that Mormons still think that they are poisonous. One geeky science fact that increases this fruits complexity is that unlike most fruits this one requires both male and female plants, most fruit bearing plants are hermaphrodites. Kiwi dudes got to be sexy to make that a few hundred kiwi chicas accept his pollen and then... 9 months later they all got vines full of baby fruits, and his dead-beat-dad-ass is all the way on the other side of the field and he ain't coming over to help raise them babies. Then they all wind up on Springer.

#7 is a tie between Pineappleand MangoBoth require fairly technical knife skills, have inedible skin and have a hard inside (core or pit). Both are also delicious, juicy, and make me want to have sex; which of course complicates... mmmmh things.

#8 Tomato
Yeah that's right bitch I said tomato. You wanna fight about it? Well fuck you mother fucker the only thing more complicated than fruit is a fruit that thinks it's a vegetable. Yeah I don't care if you think this answer is lame, go write your own fruit complexities blog entry.

#9 The lychee

The fruit that is a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a strange layer of grandma elbow skin. This fruit is also disgusting, it has a thin edible layer of semi solid snot like texture wrapped around a hard nut. (I'll give YOU a hard nut, nyuk nyuk nyuk, I slay me) The fruit is altogether unpleasant possessing mostly bland flavor. How can you get excited about bland snotty elbow skin? The complication, who the fuck wants to eat these things?

#10 the Prickly pear

This fruit grew spines to protect itself from the hungry masses. Also it is only ripe for about one day a year on which day it is the sweetest nectar of the gods, every other day that it is either under ripe or over ripe and either case will make you double over vomiting from its soul crushing/hate mongering flavor. I'd rather take a pineapple to my hard nut than tangle with an under ripe prickly pear. Although on the other hand I would pass at an opportunity to slather my naked body in glitter and chocolate mousse while riding the back of a winged Pegasus with my Ziggy Stardust makeup on for a perfectly ripe prickly pear.

BONUS #11 The durian

Medieval battle implement? Space alien embryo? Biological warfare? I am so afraid of this fruit that I have never even tried it. But since it is banned in most indoor locations, taxi cabs, hotels, and airplanes it is banned in more locations than C-4 explosives. Complicated, I think so. Here are some descriptions of durian that I have found

In 1865 Wallace wrote:

"The five cells are silky-white within, and are filled with a mass of firm, cream-coloured pulp, containing about three seeds each. This pulp is the eatable part, and its consistence and flavour are indescribable. A rich custard highly flavoured with almonds gives the best general idea of it, but there are occasional wafts of flavour that call to mind cream-cheese, onion-sauce, sherry-wine, and other incongruous dishes. Then there is a rich glutinous smoothness in the pulp which nothing else possesses, but which adds to its delicacy. It is neither acid nor sweet nor juicy; yet it wants neither of these qualities, for it is in itself perfect. It produces no nausea or other bad effect, and the more you eat of it the less you feel inclined to stop. In fact, to eat Durians is a new sensation worth a voyage to the East to experience."

However more recently a crass American asshole said of the fruit:

"...its odor is best described as pig-shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock. It can be smelled from yards away."

Ikea, what a place!?

2007-07-05T15:11:00.000-07:00

So my wife and I went to Ikea this past weekend. Not much to really report, but I did find this:
It is a plastic mat to protect the floor from the rolling wheels of an office chair. Most importantly though it is called a Kolon. That is all.

Hell(3x) ass(2x) pissed (1x)

2007-06-29T13:37:00.001-07:00

So at this website: http://mingle2.com/blog-rating you can discover what your blog is rated. Mine was given an R rating based on the frequent of the words "hell" (mingle found that one three times) "ass" (they found it twice) and "pissed" (they found it once) While I agree that my blog is probably rated R based on the incessant bad language, full frontal male nudity, and constant themes of generally being a mean person I think mingle kind of missed the point (and the count). If hell is enough to get me an R rating, then this system might be a bit too strict. Or maybe the folks at mingle don't think "queef" "felch" and "smegma" are filthy enough. Personally I would not want my kids to be familiar with a felch and I would hope that by the time they were 17 they would know what hell is.

On a totally unrelated note I was at SFGH today and I heard another "general gem" I think I need to chronicle the types of things I have seen here. From now on I promise that each trip to the general will be mentioned in this blog. Today I overhead a Staff counselor's telephone conversation. Mind you this is a STAFF COUNSELOR!

"Yes I understand that we all have stressful jobs, but the crack is not helping. It does the opposite of winding you down."

(pause)

"I would really like it if you sought treatment for the crack abuse"

Really, someone on staff at SFGH has a problem smoking crack. SURPRISE!

I don't understand

2007-06-12T13:44:00.000-07:00

A co-worker bought these Tropical Skittles. I think she was suckered in by the pretty blue package and awesome rainbow. I wanted to taste each flavor, and I noticed the flavor key which I thought was interesting.

We all know that the good ol fashioned skittles are orange, lemon, lime, strawberry and grape. But these tropical flavors are:

-Yellow: Banana Berry. Ok I get it yellow is the color of a banana, not a berry. That one will fly with me.
Taste: Rotten semen fruit, not at all edible.

-Green:Key lime. Yup, limes are in fact green.
Taste: More like a sour apple. Enjoyable, but not a lime.

-Orange: Mango Tangelo. Tangelos are orange and I guess that since yellow was already taken by the semen fruit that orange is close to the color of a mango's flesh.
Taste: Not bad. Tastes like a tangerine, but you can tell that they tried to get some chemically Mango flavor in there for the aftertaste.

-Blue: Pineapple Passion Fruit. WHAT THE FUCK! Neither Pineapples nor passion fruit are blue. I think that this is all marketing of Blue #1 is an secret conspiracy to get America's youth to buy candy (because blue is a pretty color) and get cancer (because Blue #1 dye clearly causes cancer)
Taste: It tastes like 4-mercaptoethanol smells. For those of you who are not chemists, this is the material that gives natural gas its distinct stink.

-Pink: Strawberry Starfruit. Same deal with the yellow. Strawberries are pink (sort of) but starfruit are not.
Taste: A cross between mint and parsley that has been in the fridge for about a week and has turned slimey.

Conclusion Tropical Skittles are disgusting, full of lies and cancer.

My Trip to the East Bay

2007-06-07T12:52:00.001-07:00

Yesterday my wife and I met some friends and their son in the east bay for dinner. And of course hilarity ensued. First I am still addicted to mad libs. What I have learned is that a lot of nouns don't really "work" no matter how funny the word is on its own, but this one was pure mad libs magic. Really I did not cheat. However events then followed where I had to restrain both my laughter and my temper...

When you are in love you greet each day with an addiction in your heart and a queef on your face.
When you are in love you see the whole wide lust through rose colored nylons and loving elbows.
When you are in love you walk by a babbling idiot, spontaneously remove your shoes roll up your tunnels, sit down and dangle your clitoris in the sparkling borscht.
When you are in love you believe beyond the shadow of a mango that you can climb to the nearest touchdown or explode in the deepest rapture.
When you are in love you feel good from the tip of your penis to the top of your appendix.

So I am sitting there laughing to myself thinking I am just the most clever person in the world and really proud of what I had accomplished when I hear "Well, I don't think that's appropriate."

I turned around to find that someone next to me, READING OVER MY SHOULDER felt it a proper setting to comment on my quiet musings. So I like to giggle about words like queef, penis and clitoris. In fact I like to double over in laughter about such silly nouns. (Yes I am still eleven, what?!)

Yes dear readers I did restrain myself, and lucky for her it was my stop so I simply said "I don't really care what you think" and walked off the train. Then later when I tried to share the story and mad lib with my wife she took the same attitude. Maybe I shouldn't say "queef" in public at a very audible volume, so I understand where she is coming from. BUT I sure as hell will write whatever I feel like in my mad libs flip book.

Then we had dinner with friends and their 2 and a half year old son. As far as children go he was probably among the most well behaved I have ever met. There was some fear issues at first, but then again I am a pretty scary looking mother fucker (at least to a 2.5 year old). Then we were treated to wonderful company after he woke up and came out of his shell. Some highlights:

1) Mom "no, don't put milk in your dump truck put some pretend dirt in your truck"
Boy "Dirt?"
Mom "pretend dirt"
Boy "OOOOHHH PRETEND DIRT" and then he quietly repeated the word "pretend" while making this rat eating cheese face and accompanying noises. Too cute.

2) The answer to any question was "yes" even if he really means "no" for example
Seth "do you want some cheese?"
boy "yes"
Seth applies cheese to bread, puts an apple on top and hands it over.
boy "here mommy you eat"
Mom "mmmmh"
Seth "sorry, I know you are perfectly capable of working a cheese plate, but now you can have some of my cooties"

3) Tickling and screaming at the table

4) The tedious drinking of milk one drop at a time by licking the straw rather than using the straw

5) At the end of the night the boy was not ready for the party to end, so he asked:
"Can wife come in the car with us?"
Parents "no she is going to go home"
boy "in our car?"
Parents "no she is going in her car"
Boy "can she come take a nap with us, we can all nap"
Parents "no she is going to go nap at her house, and we will nap at the hotel"
Boy "Yes but we all take naps"
Parents "yes we all take naps"

What a stud, his only 2 and a half and he is already hitting on married women.

All that cuteness though and I still don't want one...

Mad Libs are great!

2007-06-01T11:50:00.000-07:00

My wife got a few for our trip to Belize, but there was so much better stuff to do that we did not play mad libs. But what is excellent news is that you can now play mad libs by yourself. You can fill in all the blanks without looking at the card and then complete the puzzle. I have done a few that really sucked but here is one I am proud of from the "Mad Libs in Love" series.

HOW CAN I TELL IF HE LIKES ME?

If he exhibits three or more of the following colostomy bags, you may flagrantly assume you are the kiwi of his eye.
1) When you look him straight in the bicuspid, does he avert his plagues and give you and uncomfortable smegma?
2) If you compliment him, does his afterbirth turn a bright black?
3) After you first met, did he call a mutual sardine to see if you were barfing steady?
4) When you were alone for the first time, did he try to put his elbow skin around you? Did you find his sins wet and clammy and did he sweat and bite excessively?
5) After a passionate date, does he abuse you on the phone or write you a hangnail or better yet send you a bouquet of scabs?
If he did three or more of the above, you can bet your last compost he has the mosquitoes for you.

I know when I met my wife I was always sweating and biting her. Also my afterbirth turned so black every time I saw her. Also for those that don't know here is a penis covered in smegma. I spared the photo because I think there are already enough pictures of penises on this blog.

Good one today

2007-05-25T16:53:00.000-07:00

Today I was walking to work when I saw this woman who was decked out in full bicycle gear. She had the camelback, the super sunglasses, a helmet with a fin that made her look like the rocketeer. Remember the rocketeer...

She also had all the saddle packs, skin tight clothing and a super expensive bike she came to a stop at the redlight and fell over. It wasn't like a temporary loss of balance thing it was like a redwood being felled. Her hands did not leave her bars and her feet did not leave the pedals. She came to a stop and then Tiiiiiimmmmmbeeeeerrrrrr! she just went over. I laughed. But we have already established that I am going to hell for buying cigarettes for those 6 year olds in front of the AMPM.

Certain Social Norms

2007-05-07T12:35:00.000-07:00

Today is my second anniversary, which is pretty darn exciting. I share everything with the woman I love, but I had to save this story so that I could blog about it. My dear wife is really my only reader so it is not so big a deal.

Growing up the public shower was a very scary place. I have seen too much gross stuff in these showers. However I have developed my own code of conduct for public showering. I have witnessed the three following issues on separate occasions, except on my Sunday gym trip all actions were committed by one offender. A new low.

The number one complaint that I have is the soap dispensers. EWWW! Too many times have I witnessed the ol' soap dispenser-groin-soap dispenser-butt-soap dispenser move. It is like your are sharing a handle right after touching junk and ass. TOTALLY NOT OK! You might as well be rubbing your cock all over some other guys butt. I use my own soap and shampoo and this is the only reason I am OK with showering in public.

The number two complaint can simply be summed up with "NO, you cannot borrow my soap." Why would you even ask?

Here is the number three complaint. I know it is a little Seinfeld-y since this topic has already been covered but again. Peeing in the shower. Yes I do it at home, it is comfortable to pee while draped in warm water. But even I will hold it in public, I will even cool off the shower temp to shrivel up a bit and make the urge go away. Standing in this group setting and then catching a whiff of that tell tale odor is just so wrong.

Also as a bonus, gym guy gave me rule number 4 standing at the urinal without shoes on is totally unacceptable. Guys miss, and you were totally OK with standing in stale composite urine. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!

To the long haired guy who broke all 3 rules and the bonus rule this Sunday. I know who you are and I will never talk to you... ever.

My Triumphant Return

2007-05-01T13:02:00.000-07:00

I am feeling pretty damn rad, and I need to do something other than work through my lunch breaks. So I announce (to nobody, because nobody reads this) that I am coming back to blogging. On days that I don't have time to go do something else, I promise to blog.

Dumbtards with Umbrellas

2006-11-14T15:49:00.000-08:00

Recently I have not been "feeling funny" so I took a hiatus from the blogging. Well I feel pretty good now so it is time to get back on the horse.

I hate this time of year (November). Idiots and umbrellas come together. It gives mean people the right to live in their bubble with even less regard for other humans. Yesterday (read: one day in November, again the hiatus) someone actually walked (umbrella first) right into me. How selfish do you have to be to understand that others are walking past you on the sidewalk and that nylon and metal contraption can poke someone.

-New law when I become governor: People with umbrellas must yield the sidewalk to non-umbrella holding persons. Punishment for failure to comply, immediate/forceful confiscation of the umbrella from the pokee (read: I kick your ass and take your umbrella).

Another thing that umbrella idiots do is they hog all the rain free zones under awnings, trees, fire escapes and building ledges. Listen up mother fucker you have a portable shelter on top of your head, you do NOT need the brief stationary break from the rain. I do not have an umbrella and I count on these to get a brief break in the rain.

-New law when I become governor: People with umbrellas must walk in the rain. They must yield the temporary shelter to non-umbrella holding individuals. Punishment for failure to comply, Non-umbrella holding individual shall damage the umbrella past the point of usefulness. (read: I get to stomp the shit out of your umbrella and give you a reason to use the brief shelter)

And now the biggest problem of them all, the one umbrella offense that makes you eligible for capital punishment in the new California. My biggest umbrella peeve ever... those fucking jerks who think it is a good idea to keep their umbrella over their head at a bus station. ARGH!
1) you take up valuable standing room from people who do not have an umbrella. The moment you bought that contraption you signed a social contract that you in fact will "take one for the team" and stand out in the rain and give others access to the shelter.
2) you bring your dripping wet umbrella into the shelter and get everyone else wet with your drips. Worse yet you give it a good spin and soak everyone huddled under the shelter.
There is a special place in hell for you "umbrella in the bus shelter person."

-New law when I become governor: Of course this behavior is banned. Punishment for failure to comply, none. You can stand there smugly absorbing the hateful stares of everyone around you. Your punishment will be delivered in the afterlife, and you will wish you lived a better life. Let's just say that it involves your anus and a hot poker for all eternity.

A's are Moving to Oakland

2006-11-14T15:40:00.001-08:00

Bud Selig had this to say about the A's move to Fremont:

"The move will ensure the long-term stability of the club. Baseball teams have to boost revenues in order to stay competitive, and new ballparks are necessary to ensure that revenue."

Now I am not an A's fan but I am still totally pissed about this statement. The A's ARE competitive every single year. They don't make a lot of money in Oakland and they have to "give" seats away at dollar Wednesdays but they are perennial contenders. Bud Selig and MLB are bullshit and are only about the ducats. Let's call the move what it really is folks.

Per my translation of Selig, he had this to say about the A's move to Fremont:

"Oakland A's fans are not in the highest income bracket and to be honest are broke. At the end of the month we can't sell a ticket to save our lives. A's fans would rather spend their money on beer and watch the game from the couch than fill and owner's coffer." We have decided to move the team to an area where a bunch of rich, white, software developers live. BUD WANTS MONEY!!!"

Why Fox News is Evil

2006-10-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

Ok so I am happily watching some football on Sunday morning after spending Saturday fighting off the worst hangover in the history of man. I drank enough to fill a small inland lake capable of supporting at least five dozen of the drunkest fish ever.

In any case a little blurb pops up at the bottom of the game. Hawaii quake 6.6 magnitude, power outages, airport closed. I have family all over Hawaii and I decide to leave the Rams and the Seahawks (good game by the way) to try and find out if there are images on CNN or some other 24 hour news outlet.

Now I don't know the specific channel numbers for the all news all the time channels (the way I know discovery is 278) but I am pretty sure it is like around 350 something. So I jump over there and start flipping. I happened on Fox News. I know I am not the first blogger to write about the evils of Fox News, but in less than 45 seconds of watching the news the anchor managed to offend me twice.

First offense was as I tuned in and the anchor was mid-sentence (please note that the following quotes are not exact but the sentiment is there) "... blah blah now I am not saying that there aren't building codes over there, because there must be but the codes are never followed and most of these people live in what is hardly better than a grass and mud hut.”

What! Have you ever been to Hawaii? Yeah they might be a little different but the Hawaiian people aren't savages living in huts while fighting with the neighboring tribe with spears and arrows. I also take offense that he implied that Hawaiians are lazy and do not follow building code. Grr.

The other offense is not nearly as bad. The weather lady had to describe the land slides on various islands and got hung up on one of the islands. She couldn't say Ni'ihau. OK all together now Knee-ee-how. Not that bad, and if you are not familiar with the language and pronunciation rules it can be a troublesome mouthful. I understand. But when she followed up her stumbling with a comment such as “Oh heck who can say these names anyway" That is what pisses me off. Again I can't get too upset though because the people of Ni'ihau will never see her screw up as they live a traditional life, preserve the Hawaiian language and have no television at all.

Still if her aryan ass came from oh say Montana, It would be like me calling her state Moon-tuna and dismissing her as not important enough to really care about the correct pronunciation.

Yeah, as a general rule I am going to ban all talk of lunar sushi.

Fox news can go to hell.

My High Horse

2006-09-26T11:38:00.000-07:00

Allow me dear readers to get on my high horse for a moment. This will not be the usual comedic post, actually I would like to discuss my theory on the recent spinich scare. This issue is a serious problem and it all relates to America's disconnect with where food comes from, as well as treating migrant workers (or Mexicans in general) as second class citizens. Allow me to pose and answer two questions.

Q. Where does spinach come from?

A. The Dirt.
Q. Where does E. coli come from?

A. Your butt.

So put yourself in the position of a field worker. You've been working in the field picking spinach for about 10 hours and you get a rumbling in your stomach. Your one meal of the day is ready to exit your body and it is time to poop. What do you do? Well the landowner/farmer has not provided any porto-potties for you to use. Yeah yeah I know that farmers operate on a slim profit margin and renting a porto-potty is as much as 80 bucks a day, so for all he cares they can dump in the field. Multiply that by say 20 folks picking spinach and you have...

Free nitrogen fertilizer!

Except for one problem. Long ago the FDA put an end to untreated human waste being spread on fields. Ok the farms complied on a large scale, waste from septic tanks is no longer spread on the land but rather placed in a landfill. It still happens on a small scale. People still poop on your food, and now look by saving 80 bucks a day for a reasonable place to put the poop there is no market for spinich and it rots in the field, consumer confidence has been shaken to no end.

Give the field workers a humane place to shit!

Why I Love Burining Man

2006-09-05T08:25:00.000-07:00

To be honest I fucking hate everything that burning man stands for. Bunch a stupid bullshit if you ask me. BUT dweebs like this guy:

get the fuck out of my city to go be grubby in the desert, inhale a bunch of alkaline mud, take a bunch of drugs, and stare at naked ugly stoner girls in pasties.

The reason that I love burning man is that SF is like a ghost town. I monitored over the course of a night and a day a parking spot that stayed open in front of my house for more than 18 hours. This is simply unherard of. I wish burning man happened every weekend so that all these fucking idiots would get the hell out of my city... bastards.

Rate Everything

2006-08-30T15:47:00.000-07:00

Turns out if you google for "rate my" you can rate anything from anyone this photo comes courtesy of my lovely wife who directed me to www.ratemypoo.com

Here are some of the others:
http://www.ratemybody.com/
http://www.ratemyboobies.com/
http://www.ratemyfishtank.com/
http://www.ratemyfinger.com/
www.ratemypecs.com/
http://www.rankmytattoos.com/
http://www.ratemywow.com/
www.ratemyboner.com/
http://www.ratemylawnandgarden.com/
http://www.ratemypooch.com/
http://www.ratemypet.co.nz/

I think I am going to have to start my own line of www.ratemy______.com

Some samples that I think must be included

www.ratemydeadgrandmother.com
www.ratemyathletesfoot.com
www.ratemyballoonknot.com
www.ratemyscrotum.com
www.ratemytooth.com
www.ratemyratemysite.com
www.ratemyzit.com
www.ratemyarmpit.com
www.ratemynipplehair.com
www.ratemyhangnail.com
www.ratemyafterbirth.com
www.ratemyuvula.com
www.ratemycellphoneplan.com
www.ratemycolonoscopy.com
www.ratemysnakesonaplanefanart.com
www.ratemydeadclownphotos.com
www.ratemyaardvarksbellybutton.com

Others?

EWWW Hair

2006-08-28T16:56:00.000-07:00

Somebody once told me that the material used to make mohair sweaters came from bunny rabbits.

Cute fuzzy little bunny rabbits. I didn't think much of it because at least someone was putting them to good use. Until I thought about shearing the rabbit. How do you do that? Then I got to thinking about shearing my hair, and other animals hair. Clothes are made from hair. That is strange. Wool- sheep hair, alpacas hair is made into clothing, could you make human hair into clothing... probably. Freaky. These keratinized cells that are tightly wound together are wrapped around each other tightly to make fibers and then the fibers are wound to make garments.

Clothes from hair are like suits of armor made from dead cells. EWWW!

I think I am going to make a stand right now. I can deal with plants (cotton, linen, etc.) and I can deal with synthetic fibers like polyester. I mean the name tells you what it is, polymerized esters. Easy. I will never wear hair just cause it weirds me out.

OK I will not wear hair until I can get the image of protein armor out of my head. The good think is... I can't afford it anyway!

By the way this is an angora goat, the real source of mohair.

P.S. Let's not get started on the anal secretions of a catepillar (silk). EWWW!!!!

My Worst Fears

2006-08-28T13:22:00.000-07:00

Rachel Ray has become a sex symbol. Ewww! I can't stand her show. I can't stand her laugh. I can't imagine what sex with her would even be like... actually maybe something like this:

Before she starts in she gets her mise en place together. "Let's see lube, handcuffs, turkey leg, strawberries, EVOO, condom"

Guy: I don't know if we need all this

RR: Don't worry I have a recipe, and if it works I'll give you a mention in my cookbook, now put the condom on.

Guy: I am not even hard

RR: take care of that while I go to commercial break

Guy: Who are you talking to, there better not be any cameras here.

RR: OK we're back, while you were gone I have mascerated 8 cups of EVOO and 8 cups of strawberries. Now I want you to slather that all over the turkey leg and smack my ass with it. Any extra strawberry/EVOO mixture can be saved for later. I think I am just going to wallow around in it while you hit me with this turkey leg.

Guy: Well you only live once

RR: Yeah tenderize that meat. Now eat all the EVOO off my butt

Guy: I'm drunk enough

RR: Now place that in here back and forth for 40-50 minutes or until it is golden brown and delicious

(now dear reader(s) I cannot even begin to describe the heinous sex noise that I envision Rachel Ray making but it is a combination of a donkey and her awful laugh).

This blog is going get me a first class one way ticked to hell.

Whoa Tiger!

2006-08-03T08:48:00.000-07:00

So the conversations goes a little like this

Seth-Hello

Dad- Hey

Seth- Yo Daddy-O

Dad- So are have you been eating a lot of fish? (We caught a lot of fish last weekend)

Seth- Oh we've had it twice already but I am going to lay off it tonight as (my wife) [since she really believes in web anonimity this is how I will refer to her in this story, but of course during the conversation I used her real name] is sick.

Dad- Aww too bad, what's she got.

Seth-Nasty virus, she can't even go from horizontal to vertical without gravity pulling diahrea out of her. She has just been shitting and sleeping all day.

Dad-Eww, I gotta go back to work

Seth-Alright love you.

Dad-Love you too bye.

A few hours pass when I get a call from my mom.

Mom- I heard (your wife) was sick.

Seth- Yeah and it sure isn't pretty.

Mom- I think she is pregnant.

Seth-WHOA! EASY TIGER! No there is something else going on here. Trust me it is a virus. It is going aroung at her work.

Mom- Are you sure? Those symptoms sound like pregnancy.

Seth- I am 100% sure, here why don't you talk to her.

I passed off the phone and let my wife put my mothers dreams of grand babies in 9 months gently into a coffin. Sheesh I know my Mom wants me to knock up my wife but for future reference virus does not mean impending babies. Cool the jets. Mom, you will (might) get grandbabies some day (never), but I really think my younger brother will beat me to the punch. Put your money on that horse cause this one is not ready for a foal just yet.

I got a serious beef with the city of Phoenix

2006-07-20T16:45:00.000-07:00

Phoenix, you fucking suck.

I just got back from a fantastic fishing trip with my father in Baja. It was great, caught a bunch of fish and got really wasted every day. Our lay over on the way back to the states was Phoenix, the biggest shithole city in all of the United States.

This story begins at the Los Cabos Intl. Airport. I had to take a crap sooooo bad. While everyone else in our party was dropping big bucks at the Duty Free (which is a rip-off) I headed to the toilet. Whoa. I was met with a toilet that would have been a great stand-in for the trainspotting movie. If toilets could talk that one could have told stories about violation that would turn mere mortals into stone. There were about 6-8 loads built up, no water, and a mountain of toilet paper. OK says the reader go to the next stall. Same story. Two sit down toilets in the entire terminal and both were totally destroyed.

I decide to grim up and keep the kids out of the pool until back in the states. No fucking way would I ever use an airplane toilet. Not even an option so forget about it.

Fast forward to the Phoenix approach... Great almost there. Looking out the window to take my mind of the gopher trying to pop his head out and say hello in my drawers. I count things when I get stressed, and what do I see but no less that 56 lush green baseball fields and 8 golf courses on Phoenix approach . What! This is the fucking desert. Already I am pissed with the opulence and waste of this god forsaken shit hole.

I step off the plane, on to customs like I got a hot foot. Dad flirts with the U.S. Customs agent and we fly right through the line. Way to go Dad, you got it in full effect.

Baggage claim, YES! Time to drop the deuce deuce on Phoenix!

I sit down in one of the many spotless toilets so neatly lined up. SWEET RELIEF! A brief victory in a tale of defeat. Then I go to wipe, grrrr.

Each time I lean forward to wipe the automatic flushing toilet roars to life releasing an aeresol of shit water all over my hand. The point of these sensor flush toilets is to prevent lazy americans from actually having to bend over and push a handle. Are we really that lazy that we can't be trusted to flush? That's fucking sad.

Now I'll be honest this shit was quite a chore and cleaning up the business end took quite some time. With each flush another cool blast of toilet water.

Then I go to wash my hands and not a single automatic water dispensor sink will give me any H2O. All this care taken to be sure that people don't get a singe drop of excess water while washing their hands and surrounded by waste. I tried 6 sinks in a desperate quest for water to wash my hands before success. I was one attempt away from taking my agression out on the bathroom itself.

I honestly thought "If I kick the faucet off the wall, then I'll get some mother fucking water! How do you like your baseball diamonds now Phoenix? Huh! Bitch!" Common sense overcame testicle driven agression, and I washed my hands, claimed my bags and headed to Sacramento.

Fuck Phoenix, and if you are from Phoenix... Fuck you too! You live in a fucking desert, no way you should have that much green there. Take up a hobby of dirt biking, rock climbing, or sand swallowing. Y'all got plenty dirt, rock and sand out there, give the resource a break.

I would like to introduce you to my new nemesis

2006-06-27T17:56:00.000-07:00

This devious invention is the worst thing to plague the earth since the plague. For those that do not recognize it, this is an institutional automatic air freshener. I hate it. Not only is it set to release a noxious burst of lung shriveling malodorous chemicals, but in my office it is also mounted directly over the toilet. Thank you Mr. Janitor for that excellent placement.

Today was the last straw. I was in the middle of a bout of prune induced sphynteric fountainry when I hear that ominous (PFSHT). I was nowhere near the wipe phase of my battle. I had to sit there while taking a shot of "Voodoo Berry" mist all over my bare legs. I will draw and quarter the sick stupid fuck that invented this thing. Watch behind you, you stupid asspoopbutt.

Whatever happened to a little spritz when finished?

PENIS!!!

2006-06-13T19:26:00.000-07:00

First give it up for Jude Law's penis. That's for the female readers, now for the squeamish do not continue reading.

I have started a work out regime, yeah for me whoop ti doo. I have a problem with some of the men in the locker room. There is no notion of personal space. I am an in and out kind of guy. I have no desire to sit around naked. Usually I need to get home and cook dinner for my wife so I am not one to dilly dally. Second I have no desire to be really close to gross penis. Today this guy walks up to his locker as I am putting my shoes on. OK I am putting my shoes on that means I am just about done. Dude walks up straight from the shower and put a cock right in my face as I am bent over tying my shoes. I look up, UGH! Then he turns and he has the most pimply ass I have seen in my life. I mean I talking 14 year old boy on a diet of pizza grease face level of ass zits. Then I bend down to tie the other shoe and wham he turns the penis back into my face. This time I got a whiff of it, that's how close it was. I wanted to tell the guy to back the fuck off and head back to the shower because his member was still fucking dirty. No wonder he had so many ass zits he didn't know how to wash himself.

Cute old people

2006-05-18T09:25:00.000-07:00

I was walking to work this morning when I saw something precious. For those of you that may or may not know Parnassus avenue at UCSF is a war zone. Allow me to set the scene:
-Cars are trying to find free parking, which doesn't exist and that only makes the cars more ferocious and desperate.
-Muni drivers are even more tense because they are getting behind schedule as the traffic moves so slowly, and it puts them farther and farther from their next menthol.
-Shuttle bus drivers are aiming for anything that moves, and doing so at a high rate of speed.
-Pedestrians, feeling threatened, are emboldened to walk where they want when they want as kind of a "fuck you" to the cars. Or my personal favorite "I am a doctor you can't hit me as I jaywalk because aside from locomotion on pavement I prefer to walk on water, I save lives and I am impervious to 1 ton hunks of metal and machine moving rapidly... I am a doctor."
-City and University meter maids are zipping around handing out parking tickets as fast as they can to all the folks who think they found free parking in front of a fire hydrant or in the middle of the street.
-Delivery truck drivers are parked in the suicide lane to make deliveries. The commercial loading zones are full of cars illegally parked and getting tickets so the truck drivers park in the middle of the road and offload there. This makes left hand turns a dangerous prospect.

So this morning I see a man pushing his wife in her wheelchair. He is about 85 and looks pretty fit. She is younger than him but has suffered a pretty serious stroke. She is ceased up on her right side and is drooling on her bib. I could tell that he loved her because her bib matched her pink velour jogging suit. As he was trying to cross Parnassus avenue in the crosswalk he got caught in no-man's land between two illegally parked delivery trucks and someone trying to make a left turn. I could see him getting frustrated that no cars were stopping to let him complete his journey across the crosswalk. I mean they couldn't see him because of all the shenanigans in the middle lane. Finally he pops, he screams "Fuck you all I am walking HERE!"

He moves out into oncoming traffic, the next car was going WAY over the speed limit and had to screech to a halt. Then the man started walking toward the car. The car backed up, and the man kept walking toward it. It was a showdown. Like I would expect a hyena and a lion to fight over some carrion in the middle of the dry season. Then he got to the handicap entrace to the side walk, pushed his wife up on ramp and kissed her on the cheek.

Drilling Barry!

2006-05-17T12:48:00.000-07:00

I am sick and tired of Barry being targeted by the opposition. Makes me nuts. What if the same thing started happening to Albert Pujols? What then? Is it OK to bean him for some reason? Don't mention 'roids in this conversation because that has nothing to do with this.

Last night Springer needed 5 pitches to finally get it right. First pitch was behind him, then some were in tight and finally the dumb ass connected his pitch to Barry's shoulder.

The game was so far away from the Astros at that point and it was just stupid crap. There was no way the 'stros were coming back from that deficit.

This morning on the sports talk radio some dumb fuck said Barry deserved it because he crowds the plate. I've never heard anything so stupid in my life. We all know pitchers are afraid of him and they don't want to give up 714.

Then the talk show hosts went off on some tangent that Giants pitchers don't protect their big man. Bullshit! Both Morris and Cain have drilled back already this season. When the other team's big men came up in the next inning wham right in the butt. Shit, Morris even drilled two of them before he got tossed.

Then Kruk starts in on this shit where it was all strategy so that when Morris retaliates tonight he can get tossed and the Astros can get into the pen that much faster. Even worse Bullshit!

Here is my plan. You can't just drill the clean-up hitter and expect this shit to be square. Remember that scene in Untouchables where Sean Connery says "they pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue." That is how I feel about this situation.

So here is my plan:
Wait until the pitcher comes up to bat. Then Mike Mattheney can grab the bat out of the pitchers hand and beat the shit out of him... Juan Marichal style!

He'll be able to get a few good cracks in before it gets broken up because the ump won't expect it. Next time a skip calls for the bean ball, the pitcher will be thinking about what happened to that guy Mattheney beat to shit and he'll just get an intentional walk.

Stop Drilling Barry, or I am sharing this with Felipe and I know his old school ass will put a hurting on some fuckers.

Don't fuck with my Giants...

Shitty Ass Game

2006-05-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

I went to the Giants game last night with my friend Gunner (name has been changed to protect the innocent). Not only did the giants get the asses kicked, chewed, digested and then turned into compost but we were stuck in the "Assholes Only" section. I asked Gunner how we got stuck in this section and he said it was because he was playing tennis and accidentally hit a hummingbird. Think Big Unit's run in with a pigeon and a fastball... I know he didn't do it on purpose, I mean he's a vegan for chrissakes. The baseball gods however saw fit to place us in the section that was chock full of assholes.

As all two of my readers are aware Barry Bonds is trying to tie Babe Ruth's record of 714 home runs. Last night had perfect conditions for him to excel, it was warm, the wind was blowing the right direction and I fully expected him to hit 714 and 715. When Barry comes up to the plate Gunner and I stood up out of respect for a baseball legend (don't give me that shit about the clear and the cream, he's a damn fine player). And from behind me I hear the raspy voice of an unloved bitter old bitch "Sit DOWN!, Down in front. Are you deaf I said SIT DOWN!"

I asked Gunner "You hear that?"

"No." he replied.

Barry struck out, but that dumb cunt decided to carry on about the standing thing. She made one more comment and then threw trash at us. WHAT THE FUCK! Both of us lost it a little bit. I turned around and popped the stink eye at everyone behind us. They were all guilty in my mind. Then a nice middle aged woman said. "Wasn't me it was her." And who did she point to? None other than...

OK so it wasn't really Danny DeVito but it was a dead ringer for the Penguin. Eww. She had stringy unwashed hair, purple dyed eyebrows, a hook nose, awful teeth and a squat waddly stature. She was an abomination of mankind. I think even penguins would find her disagreeable.

Gunner snapped "Why don't you stand up BITCH! Show some respect."

She had no response. Why do people think it is OK to yell at someone until they push back? She sat back in her seat with a smug look on her face. San Franciscans really think that the world revolves around them. I paid the same price for my seat and if I want to stand then I can. Get off your sorry, unfucked, penguin ass and stand up. If you are too short stand on your damn seat. What is wrong with people? Don't you DARE tell me how to live!

On a related note some lady sitting in front of us left her seat from inning 3-6 when she returned she found my foot print on her seat. I used it as a step stool so that the people around me didn't have to stand up when I went to take a leak. Her seat offered unobstructed access to the aisle. When she returned she commented to her bald, overaged, cuckolded husband in the most annoying baby voice that "My seat is aww diwty."

I hate two things in girl conversation:
1) substituting l's and r's for baby w's
2) uptalking

Yeah I stepped on your fucking seat. GET OVER IT! Wipe it off. What do you think happens when baseball games aren't happening. I'll tell you. Dirty ass pigeons use your seat to spawn more flying rats in an act of unholy pigeon lust. They leave lice and disease behind, I promise that Big Telephone Co. Ballpark doesn't disinfect the seats.

My readers might ask wow he's on a rampage, why the bad mood sethonious?

Barry didn't hit a homer and the Giants lost. Either of those things would have made this an entirely different blog entry. Instead it has become a "fuck those jerks" kind of entry.

Fuck those jerks. Fuck 'em.

NL East

2006-05-10T10:06:00.000-07:00

When did the NL East become a bunch of pansies. They have been a powehouse conference for so long and now they are the rest of the NL's whipping post. The Braves haven't been this far behind.500 in like a decade and a half. This is a changing of the guard, Bow down to the WEST! The central will faulter later in the season trust me...

What I've Learned From My Dog

2006-05-04T21:16:00.000-07:00

1) The bigger the ball, the BETTER!
2) It is OK to walk by a stranger an lick them... provided that you are cute enough to get away with it.
3) When ya gotta pee it is acceptable to drop what you are doing and just let go. Nothing is more important than relief.
4) Snuggling is good, really really goooood.
5) Sleepy Saturday mornings are glorious.
6) Dirty is only a frame of mind, baths are optional.
7) A big tongue is a good thing.
8) Grass tastes good (I have yet to verify this I am just going on how much grass he eats).
9) Pooping makes you lighter and you can run faster when lighter.
10) I am always loved... and that's a good thing. .

Is there something else I should be doing?

2006-05-01T16:19:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling kind of bored recently. Eh I don't know. Just like I need to try something new. Maybe it really is time for surfing lessons or something else I have never done before in my life. Maybe I am just pissed to be at work when it is so nice outside. I think the answer is that I need more ocean based activity in my life. I need to do something different, or I might just go crazy.

WooHoo!

2006-04-18T21:09:00.000-07:00

Life is good. The
are rolling, and

the sun is shining. Awesome! I am way too happy to work right now. Does sunshine deprivation count as an excuse to miss work and go get drunk at the beach?

Seriously Dough?

2006-04-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

OK really enough is enough. Now some old guy was killed in a mudslide. We've had enough. The record for most rainy days in SF in the month of April is 12 set all the way back in 1963, we are only in the 12th day of the month and already have 11 rainy days.

But aside from records and deaths the real heart of the matter remains fishing and now baseball. If this business continues into May when we are allowed to fish in federal waters again I am going to be pissed. If all these double headers and crazy schedules affect the Giants bullpen then there will be hell to pay.

How much more water is there? Really?

I'm getting mad.

Isaac Brock is a Shit Eating Monkey Fucker

2006-04-11T11:58:00.000-07:00

First let me state for the record that I have always been a pretty big fan of Modest Mouse, but I am about to trash them...

I remember reading a Spin magazine article about 3 or 4 months ago where they did a brief interview with the Modest Mouse frontman. In the article they asked about his influences and he said something along the lines of "I loved the Sonic Youth album "Washing Machine" I wished that I could slap my name on it and call it my own." Now that is not an exact quote or anything but it conveys the sentiment.

I was making musical love to my I-pod yesterday and I had it set on shuffle. "Blame it on the Tetons" by Modest Mouse was followed by "Unwind" from Sonic Youth. It was at that time that I realized they were the same damn song. Real original Isaac. I also remember that a few years back Sonic Youth had all of their instruments stolen. I am now going to hold the members of Modest Mouse responsible for that crime as well until they admit to their lack of originality in the form of a signed personal apology to me.

Modest Mouse is now on my shit list...

Jerks...

Dumb Fucking Kid

2006-04-06T21:11:00.000-07:00

So I was walking home from work today when some kid walking with his family said "hey move it you fat fuck!"

I thought to myself "What."

I looked around and there was nobody else around and he was watching my fat ass jiggle down the hill and laughing.

WHAT THE FUCK! He was there with his parents who did nothing. Man was I pissed. Yeah I am overweight but I am still pretty fucking cool. Who the fuck is this dumb shit to talk some shit on me?!

And why didn't his parents smack the shit out of him...

Or at least say to me sorry our child has turrets syndrome and can't control his out bursts.

Nothing they just kept walking and he kept laughing.

Even if I had a kid with turrets I still probably would have whopped him upside the head. No kid of mine regardless of disability would have gotten away with that shit. Totally pissed me off.

AND if his folks can't correct his stupid ass some day some one will beat the shit out of him. I'd have given him an earful if his folks weren't around. I hope that dumbass gets what comes to him someday.

As long as it's talking with you, talk of the weather will do

2006-04-04T13:14:00.000-07:00

OK that's it. I have had enough. We can end this silly extreme weather mess whenever you want. I over it. The ground is over it, it can't hold any more water no matter how much you want to dump it isn't doing any good. The trees can't hold anymore water. The roads are crumbling. When Sarah and I bought our new car we drove home on New Years eve day and it took 8 hours to go from Sac to SF due to flooding and extreme weather. That is why we named the car "The Ark". Little did we know that 2 months later we would be going through 40 days and nights of rain (or at least it feels that way). Are we being punished? People are going to start killing themselves Seattle style if this doesn't let up. Oh and by the way I haven't been fishing in like forever so cut it out. I need to kill and eat something STAT.

Tragically Unhip

2006-03-23T09:48:00.000-08:00

My good friend "lesser 'stos" came over the other night. We were thumbing through the Heath Ledger copy of Rolling Stone and as we went through it we both had a sad understanding. I am falling out of hip music. I feel like I used to be so cool, and know this and that about every band that was worth its salt. Now as I am going through it there is this big thing about the arctic monkeys. Who? The arctic monkeys. Ugh. I don't know what thew even sound like. If I had to guess by their looks probably like Blur+Arcade Fire+Bloc Party, but I don't really know. And to be honest I don't even care. I know they are not Built to Spill (and thier next record is going to be rad by the way) Let's just hope these guys are the next milkshake song. "my Acrtic monkey brings all the girls to the yard, I could teach you but I'd have to charge..."

I am still cooler than you though!

The Brick Testament

2006-03-17T10:39:00.000-08:00

Bible stories were meant to be told through lego illustrations. I don't think Jesus knew it but I know he would be proud of them. This is a shot from the story of Samson getting a prostitute. Please read more at http://www.thebricktestament.com/

Those Lego Corp Bastards have been getting rich of kids and sins for way too long, at least someone is using legos for good.

By the way this site is rad-i-cool.

BASKETBALL

2006-03-17T09:53:00.000-08:00

Well I used to love professional basketball but have lost some of that. Now with the NCAA championship I am really stoked, not as much as the monkey in the picture but close to that level. I only have 10 bucks riding on the entire tourney, but it isn't about the promise of riches. NCAA basketball understands the beauty of the single elimination style tournament. NBA championships take FOREVER, and it gets boring. Single elimination is rad. Gotta be hungry.

Science is good

2006-03-11T23:50:00.000-08:00

I am inspired by the folks at cockeyed.com. If you have not yet seen these cool kids from sac please look at their website. They should all be my friends. I do not know if it is a "Sacramento" thing, but they are so funny.

In my lame attempt to be science-ey and be accepted by a bunch of folks I do not know. I have decided to rip off their "how much is inside idea." As much as I would enjoy the "how many vomits are inside a case of jagermeister when split between me and five of my friends?"

But I will answer the age old question "How many molecules of sugar are in a 1 liter bottle of coca cola?" Because there are so many times that I have sat around asking myself about my sugar intake when pounding a mexican coke from the Zona.

So here are the goods:

In every Liter of Coke there are 124 grams of sugar. We all know(from high school chemistry) that there are 6.02 x 10^23 molecules in a mol of any substace. The molecular weight of sugar is 342.3 grams. That means that in every singe liter of coke ther are about 20,600,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 molecules of sugar.

Yeah I think I need to count the average seeds in a pickle or something. Maybe if I came up with the seeds to length ratio... Am I too science? Love me? Please...

Damn

2006-03-11T23:45:00.000-08:00

Walk the line was a damn good movie.

It's Hard Out Here for a P-I-M-P!

2006-03-07T08:06:00.000-08:00

I don't know how many of my reader(s) watched the awards on Sunday night but I just got back from hanging out with the three six mafia. That was a wild 54 hour celebration. Those guys can DRINK! Now I have to work after this bender and all I can think about is fried chicken, waffles and bed. I had to give them a real hard time though I was horrified by the terrible fight choreography that took place during the awards show. They were apologetic, we both agreed that the only person who could really pull that off is:

Also I am not sure if dig the message that the academy is sending with this award.

Put precious metals in your teeth+ act tough + get women to turn tricks for you to pay the rent= reward

Be a sensitive gay cowboy or Will Ferrell the greatest actor of all time=snubbed

Yup... Its Official I am a Dirty Old Man!

2006-03-06T15:20:00.000-08:00

LOLing on the BRB's photograph got me to thinking "you know Linday Lohan really is pretty cute. I mean she has great boobs if nothing else."

Then I thought back to the Parent Trap, and I remember that I was in high school with that remake came out. And she was pretty young, but you know Hollywood they're always making people look older or younger than they really are:

I am not that much of a pervert. I wanted to see how old she is.

Yeah she is 20 and I am an asspoopbutt.

Want some Ice Cream Lindsay, I got a whole bunch of Ben and Jerry's in the basement. No, how 'bout some otterpops.

Totes asspoopbutt...

Success!

2006-03-03T15:48:00.000-08:00

I have arrived. If you now search google for "busfare to nowhere" I am now the third link to appear. Cool.

Also Skholar is the ninth...

Salmon Seaon in Danger

2006-03-02T15:39:00.000-08:00

The West coast salmon season is in danger of being cancelled. In 2001 and 2002 the Bush administration fucked up the Klamath river to gain favor with farmers. They diverted a lot of water from the river to crops. The lack of water caused the waterway to heat up and kill juvenile and returning fish for the spawn. Now due to poor numbers returning to the Klamath river Fish and Game is considering putting the kaibosh on the whole season. While the Sacramento and American rivers are expecting modern record returns of fish for the spawn. The number of naturally spawning fish required on the Sacramento and American Rivers to meet sustainabilty goals is in the low 6 figures. Officials are expecting over 680,000 fish to return for spawning. With record rains this year spawning grounds should also be fertile and clean.

As a matter of scale the Klamath river needs 32,000 to sustain populations and without a fishing season they expect 27,000 fish. An unrestriced fishing season would bring returning salmon down to 18,500 fish. So 18,000 fish are going to ruin the lives of countless commercial fishermen in 3 states. This doesn't seem right. I am all for conservation. BUT I think there is a reasonable way to restrict the season based on population movements that could protect Klamath salmon and allow for some sort of season. Rolling closures starting in May at the north and south end of the Klamath salmon range, and then close it closer and closer to the Klamath as the spawn approaches. I mean you know where these fish wind up (obviously) you know how fast they can swim. This is math people.

This isn't the only beef I have with the way F+G manages fishing seasons. They are really asspoopbutt.

Asspoopbutt

2006-03-02T15:31:00.000-08:00

Asspoopbutt is the new word. It can be any part of speech noun, verb or adjective. Go forth and asspoopbutt!

Sorry about the length between blogposts I have been working on an epic post and have not had much free time. When complete it will be glorious. I promise.

Hardest Working Man in Show Business

2006-01-26T16:33:00.000-08:00

I respect Samuel L Jackson's work ethic he will take any job anywhere. I have not seen most of his movies, but I appreciate him. I wish I could be more like him. This is the epic post I have been promising. ENJOY!

With the help of IMDB I have compiled this list of movies and mini reviews:

The Jailhouse Lawyer (2006) -Don't know not out yet
Poker Nights (2007) -Don't know not out yet
"Afro Samurai" (2006) -Don't know not out yet
2004: A Light Knight's Odyssey (2006)-Don't know not out yet
Snakes on a Plane (2006) -Can't wait to see this movie it will surely be the best movie of 2006
Black Snake Moan (2006) - What, is he doing porn?
Freedomland (2006) -Missed it
"The Boondocks" - A Date with the Health Inspector (2005) -I respect Boondocks
The Man (2005) -Eugene Levy was good Samuel L was an angry black man.
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005) -Angry black Jedi Part III
xXx: State of the Union (2005) -Missed this one
Mr. Incredible and Pals (2005) -Didn't see it.
Coach Carter (2005) -Angry black coach with a purpose
The Incredibles (2004) -GREAT
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (2004) -He'll even do angry black voice overs for video games.
Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004) Missed it.
Twisted (2004/I) What?
Country of My Skull (2004) Never saw it.
S.W.A.T. (2003) Awesome and he was flawless
Coaching the Minors (2003) - Is this another porno?
Basic (2003) -Missed it
xXx (2002) Missed it
The House on Turk Street (2002) What is the deal with the dirty sounding movies?
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002) Angry Black Jedi part II
Changing Lanes (2002) Missed it
The Comeback (2002) Missed it
The 51st State (2001) Missed it
Seven Days of Kwanzaa (2001) Didn't know it existed. Does Sameul L really celebrate Kwanzaa or was this just another check?
The Caveman's Valentine (2001) -Porno?
Unbreakable (2000) -Awesome movie. I know a lot of people hated it. This was supposed to be a trilogy which would have been two more movies on this list, but the people vetoed that one. I would have liked to have seen these unmade movies.
Shaft (2000) - Can you dig it?
"WWF Smackdown! - Episode dated 15 June 2000 -Smackdown? Sam was on Smackdown, dude there has to be a line. Stick it to the golf tournaments. SMACKDOWN?!?!
Rules of Engagement (2000) -Missed it
Any Given Wednesday (2000) -YES!
Deep Blue Sea (1999) - This was good
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999) -Angry Black Jedi Part I
Our Friend, Martin (1999) - ummm?
Violon rouge, Le (1998) - Samuel L speaks french... for a price.
The Negotiator (1998) - I think I saw this, was it good?
Out of Sight (1998) Nope
Sphere (1998) -Hey just cause you had a lot of success with the first Michael Crighton venture you did doesn't mean they are all gold. Worst movie on the list.
Jackie Brown (1997) - Obligatory
Eve's Bayou (1997) - Biblical porn?
One Eight Seven (1997) - on a mutha fucking Cop!
The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996) - Didn't see it
A Time to Kill (1996) - Sounds like he might have played an angry black man but I missed this one too.
Trees Lounge (1996)- What is this? Samuel witll make ANY movie!
The Great White Hype (1996) - Loved this movies and Sam was great!
Sydney (1996) -nope
Fluke (1995) -nope
Die Hard: With a Vengeance (1995) -Bruce Willis and Samuel L were made for each other. I just wish Sam would have replaced Ben Affleck in Armageddeon.
Kiss of Death (1995) -missed it
Losing Isaiah (1995) -missed it
"Happily Ever After: Fairy Tales for Every Child" (1995) - Samuel L will be in your movie just sign the check!
The Search for One-eye Jimmy (1994) -More filth.
The New Age (1994) missed it.
Pulp Fiction (1994) - Of course he agreed to make this loser kid Quentin's movie. He'll do anything, and since Tarintino was working in a video rental store he saw all of Sam's movies and was hypnotized into casting him. Also --- played and angry black man with a gun
Against the Wall (1994) (TV) -didn't see this one
Assault at West Point: The Court-Martial of Johnson Whittaker (1994) missed it
Fresh (1994) -sounds like a classic but I missed it
Hail Caesar (1994) - is this about rome or salads?
True Romance (1993) - Sam made a love story? I'll bet he played the angry black lover who was jaded
Jurassic Park (1993) - Angry black programer, I understand that he is a chain smoker in real life, this must have been an easy role for him.
Menace II Society (1993) -YES, but not as good a Don't be a menace II society while drinking your juice...
Amos & Andrew (1993) -never knew it existed
Loaded Weapon 1 (1993) Is this a spoof of lethal weapon, and why isn't Loaded Weapon 2 on this list?
Simple Justice (1993) mised it
"I'll Fly Away" - Since Walter (1992) missed it
"Ghostwriter" - Who Burned Mr. Brinker's Store?: Part 1 (1992) Sounds like children's TV again
Ghost Story: Part 1 (1992) Where os part 2
Patriot Games (1992) Was he an angry black secret agent?
White Sands (1992) - missed it
Juice (1992) -DAMN good movie
Fathers & Sons (1992) missed it
Jumpin' at the Boneyard (1992) -another PORN?
Dead and Alive: The Race for Gus Farace (1991) -what is this?
Strictly Business (1991) - missed it
Johnny Suede (1991) -missed it
Jungle Fever (1991) -Really good movie
"Law & Order" - The Violence of Summer (1991) - I Love L+O I must track this episode down
The Return of Superfly (1990) - blacksploitataion?
Goodfellas (1990) - One of the best movies of all time
The Exorcist III (1990) -I don't see spooky movies
Mo' Better Blues (1990) -missed it
Betsy's Wedding (1990) missed it
Def by Temptation (1990) -Black on Black Porno
A Shock to the System (1990) - missed it
Sea of Love (1989) - really?
Do the Right Thing (1989) -good movies
"The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd" - Here's Why You Should Always Make Your Bed in the Morning (1989) -say it with me "sounds like porn"
"A Man Called Hawk" - Intensive Care (1989) -umm
Dead Man Out (1989) hope it is NOT a gay porn about a dead queer coming out of the closet.
Coming to America (1988) good movie
School Daze (1988) I remember liking this movie but have no idea who he was in this movie
Eddie Murphy Raw (1987) -missed it
"Spenser: For Hire" - My Enemy, My Friend (1987) -nope
White Knight (1986) -nope
Magic Sticks (1987) -porn
Uncle Tom's Cabin (1987)- I think he was still young here and wanted to make films that mattered
Ragtime (1981) - See uncle tom's cabin
The Trial of the Moke (1978) - missed it
The Displaced Person (1977) - see ragtime
Together for Days (1972) - Bondage porn

SoaP

2006-01-20T16:30:00.000-08:00

Just so you know I am obsessed with Snakes on a Plane. I have to see this movie. Samuel L will work in any movie, any where, any time. Just sign the check.

Greetings

2006-01-20T10:46:00.000-08:00

The picture has nothing to do with this post I just think it's funny that the "future" has people wearing dated outfits riding around on kegs. That can't be comfortable. I have sat on a keg or 2 in my day and I wouldn't want that in my future. I'd much rather have a barrel of beer.

I want to hear greetings. Give me colorful greetings. I like:

1) "Snakes on a Plane"
2) "I came here to drink beer and kick some ass. Looks like we're all out of beer."
3) "Party on Garth"

Your assignment is to keep em coming...

Talkin' Shit 'bout a Pretty Sunset

2006-01-17T16:25:00.000-08:00

I should be thankful that I have a job, especially when there are so many who are less fornutate. But it is about to suck about 100X more than poop on a door. Sadly it confidential because otherwise, I could tell some stories about this one.

I really need to stay upbeat about this one, but I think business trips just suck in general. Especially ones to Fresno. They ask you to leave your niche to go some place you hate. Ugh. I guess the business trip to Alaska, NY, Hawaii, shit even Cuba would be better than Fresno.

Whatever I have a job and I am thankful. Hopefully I will get to tell you stories about co-workers singing country Karaoke in a shit-hole country dive bar in the middle of nowhere and getting in a fight with Bubba or Jon-bob, or at least something funny. You know come to think of it when I see Bubba I am just going to (attempt to) kick his ass just so I have something to laugh about and write about.

Poop on a door!

2006-01-12T09:53:00.000-08:00

For those that don't know sometimes my job requires me to be on call for emergency response. This past week was my turn for the short straw. Normally I really don't mind the infrequent calls for an odor complaint or a broken mercury thermometer. These types of call are no big deal and when they are a big deal they are usually interesting and fun. This week however topped (or bottomed) the list of responses.

I got a call at 11:45 pm on Tuesday night from the emergency dispatcher and was given a number to call. I responded the typical way, wrote down the number and called the contact. Here is the conversation:

Me: "Good evening this is Seth the emergency responder on duty, how can I assist you?"

Him: "Yeah, some homeless guy pooped outside and I need you to come clean it up."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Him: "It is a really big stinky diahrrea, a real mess."

Me: "Why does this concern me, I don't clean poop, especially not outside poop."

Him: "Well it is outside but he smeared it all over one of the exterior doors that lead into the facility"

Me: "Call a janitor, my job is emergency response and the feces is not threatening anyone right now."

Him: "I am a janitor."

Ahh it is all perfectly clear now. He doesn't want to do his job so he calls me to clean up the poop. Uh, no I am not falling for it.

Him: "Here let me give you to the security guard he has actually seen it and reported it to me."

Security: "Yeah there's like a shit ton of poop on that door. That dude made a real mess it's like finger paints 'n shit."

Me: "Great. Is there blood in the feces."

Security: "uh I don't know I didn't really look that hard at it. I can go check for you. Would that help?"

Me: "No I really don't care if there is or not, I was just wondering if the painting was a single color or if there was some variation in the work. Put him back on the phone."

Him: "So are you on your way out here?"

Me: "No, I am not going to clean that ever."

Him: "Yeah but I heard on the TV news that pigeon shit is toxic."

Me: "What?! That has nothing to do with this."

Him: "Yes it does."

Me: "No it doesn't"

Him: "Look pigeon shit is like toxic because they are homeless birds and they eat toxic stuff and poop out toxic shit and a homeless dude is like a big toxic pigeon. As a night shift supervisor I am going to make the decision that nobody on my staff is going to clean that up."

Me: "Your group has the training and equipement required to do this job safely and I expect that you do it."

Him: "No."

Me: "OK then a bunch of folks are going to be welcomed to work tomorrow morning by a big ol shit stain on the door. Who is your supervisor?"

He continued to go on and on about the parallels between pigeons and "homeless dudes" stating and restating his refusal to clean the poop and I continued to ask for his supervisors name. Finally he told me and hung up on me.

Look this place is out at 13th and Mission and that is not such a safe place to be at midnight or one in the morning. I was not about to go out there to scrape shit off a door. It is not normally in my personality to pull this kind of attitude; but I'm sorry if you didn't want to clean up shit maybe you shoud go back to school and get out of the custodial arts. I have a graduate degree and I am going to pull rank on this one each and every time.

Favorite Songs 2005

2006-01-05T10:41:00.000-08:00

I am not such a scenester that I have the requirement that the song was released in 2005. It doesn't even have to be new to me in 2005. The only requirement to qualify for this list is that I had to have liked the song in 2005; a lot. So here they are in no order whatsoever.

1) Fall Out Boy- Everything off "From Under the Cork Tree"
2) Neutral Milk Hotel "Naomi"
3) Cat Power's cover of "Sea of Love"
4) Pinback - Cover to Cover "Summer in Abaddon"
5) Modest Mouse "Blame it on the Tetons" -Bringing it HARD OLD SKOOOL Modest Mouse Style!
6) Gwen Stefani - That damn bananas song. -I don't care what you say
7) Interpol- "Evil"
8) Bright Eyes- all of "I'm Wide awake It's Morning"
9) Alan Jackson- "Remember When"
10) Ice Cube- "It Was a Good Day"
11) Promise Ring- "Just Getting Good"
12) Postal Service - "Such Great Heights"
13) Rocket From The Crypt- "Let's Get Busy" and "Dick on a Dog"
14) Two Gallants - All of "The Throes"

So I guess that is my top 14 list which is actually a "more than 14 list" since there are a few albums on here with more than one song.

What are your faves in '05?

Favorite G Dubs Quote of 2005

2006-01-05T10:34:00.000-08:00

"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." --Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005

On a different note I like his patriotic bike helmet. USA! USA! USA!

My Own Business

2005-12-20T15:39:00.000-08:00

I found out today from my good friend Chavez that any ol' "Joe Nobody" can in fact own their own business for a mere 100 bucks. All you have to do is go to your local City Hall and file the paperwork, and then WHAM! You got a business. This led me to believe that I should open a plethora of business with names that have actually nothing to do with anything. At least I'd be CEO, CFO and Sr. stockholder. So today I am going to open up the forum for all (2) of my readers to chime in on business they would like me to own. You must also come up with either a mission statement or a slogan as well. Here is some grease for the fire...

"Limp Like Old Celery Inc."

"Bananas Bananas Bananas, Importers of Fine Swiss Mercenaries"

"Dondilinger Express"

"Suck it Trebeck!"

"I got yer WANG CHUNG Right Here Ltd."

"I done killed a ho for less..."

Beware the Chimichanga Plate

2005-12-19T11:26:00.000-08:00

So after a great holiday work party with a kick ass dance and a whole lot of fun I didn't really feel like cooking. I decided to go to Zona Rosa and get some dinner for the wife and me. She got the standby burrito but I felt like getting a little bit crazy and I had the chimichanga plate.

This would be my downfall.

The golden fried burritos had always beckoned to me but I had always resisted. These tasty looking morsels sit out next to the other food. I am told by a co-worker that is a food safety person that anything from 40-140 degrees is the "danger zone." These things look like they sit in the "danger zone" for about 10 hours a day.

So some dinosaurs called my telephone at about 1:30 am the next morning. I had to take the call from about 1:30 to 8:30. It was like a scene out of a Jim Carrey movie. I was alternating puking and diarrhea for 7 hours before my body was just so tired that I collapsed for about 24 hours in hot sweats and cold pains. It is really hard to puke on top of diarrhea, the smell of the two together with my head buried in the toilet. UGH!

There was also a time when I was hallucinating... from bad fried burrito.

On the plus side I lost about 10 pounds.

Haight Rats Are Stupid!

2005-12-16T11:17:00.000-08:00

I was accosted this morning walking to work. Every day my route takes me through the Haight and Stanyan intersection for those that are unfamiliar this is very close to "hippie-hill." Which should probably be more closely named "dirty-drug-addicted-teenagers-who-ran-away-from-home because-their-Step-Dad-Bill-doesen't-own-me hill." On my way to work this morning at about 7:30 AM I hear someone yelling.

"Hey, Hey You!"

I paid no attention.

"Hey I'm talking to you"

Aww crap I think to myself... this is it. As I turn and look I think to myself. "He's smaller than me, and younger than me. If the shit hits the fan I can take him"

"WHAT!?" I yell at him.

To which he replies "You need some herbs? I gots fluffy nugs"

I yell back at him "It is 7:30. I am well dressed. You think I got here by getting high first thing in the morning on a Friday?"

That shut him up. I really don't need hard-sell drugs first thing in the morning. I hate haight rats.

Charlie Chan says "Suck it"

2005-12-13T14:23:00.000-08:00

I wish I had my own Charlie Chan fighting robot. I would make it do my job for me so that I didn't have to do paperwork. When things got tough I would just turn him loose on idiots and I would program all sorts of cool catch phrases for him to exclaim before he killed. Such as:

"Where the hood at?"

"I eat children!"

"Make mine a double."

"Life ain't nothin but bitches and hoes."

"Super-chouete!"

"Dow Cargill owns your ass!"

Basically he would be a lean mean killing machine that would confuse people so that there last minute on earth was as incoherent as they made my life before my robot took their life.

"I got a fever, and the only prescription is MORE COWBELL!"

What else should Charlie Chan say?

Best day of the year

2005-11-23T10:27:00.000-08:00

Ahh Thanksgiving the only day of the year when it is perfectly acceptable to eat for 8 hours straight, sit around and watch football and gain 10 lbs in a sitting. What a truly american holiday! WOOO, Stuffing!

Biggest Rip-Off in the History of Fruit.

2005-11-21T13:50:00.000-08:00

Alright so after two important people told me not to; I have decided that I will not quit.

I bought these things the other day... Grapples. I was suckered in by the idea that it would have the flavor of a grape but the durability of an apple. Grapes frequently turn into juice if I pack them in a lunch, however apples are in it for the long haul. As far as the hierarchy of fruit flavors go grapes are way better, I thought I had found my rosetta stone.

Only to find that these are the biggest load of crap in the fruit world. I used to think that kumquats were the biggest rip-off, now grapples fill that niche. It is an apple coated with an artificial grape flavoring. Ugh, smells like that cheap grape soda made by Shasta, not even as good as a fanta. And if you wash it the grapeness goes away. What did I pay for this stupid pack of four apples? Five bucks... FIVE BUCKS. That is more than a buck an apple. Yup, a sucker is born everyday, and I am that sucker.

You are right in your lack of trust in the grapple.

2005-11-16T09:55:00.000-08:00

I am taking a break. I might call it quits. I hate this Blog, and I don't have anything to say. Nobody reads it. I might as well just keep a journal or something...

Listen Up Nancy Boys!

2005-11-09T12:43:00.000-08:00

"All y'all better take your fudge packing asses to the coasts" said the cop.

For those that don't know Civil rights in Texas was dealt a huge blow (get it he he he) last night. The state of Texas has banned gay marriage. I don't know how to make this funny.

But I did hear somewhere that there was a protest thing somewhere deep in the heart of Texas that "was against the war in Iraq because it is a war that protects the rights of homosexuals." WHAT!

How the hell do you arrive at that conclusion? You know what that is, a bunch of born again folks who are jumping on the anti-Bush bandwagon to protest the war but still wanted to make their protest include sanctity of marriage issues. That makes about as much sense as a PETA rally protesting the lack of an ocean for lobsters in sub-Saharan Africa AND trying to raise awareness for AIDS prevention. Got news for you folks TOTALLY UNRELATED! Stick to one cause, otherwise you might hurt yourselves.

... The stars at night shine big and bright...

But the citizens sure are dull.

2005-11-08T16:49:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong that all I can think about right now is crab? I want to do nothing but go crabbing. I have actually considered calling in sick to work so that I could go out, cut up a bunch of stinky fish, and stand in the rain for the chance of landing a few delicious invertebrates. I would never call in sick to go crabbing because knowing my luck I would probably loose a hand in a rope and then how do I explain the stump when I come back to work.

I Hate Everyone

2005-11-07T08:10:00.000-08:00

You all suck. Don't you know the only reason to have a blog is to be accepted by a bunch of people I don't know and will never see. The only way I can be accepted is by comments. Please please please increase my sense of self worth with your words. I hate you.

Awww Bananas Bananas Bananas!

2005-11-03T15:10:00.000-08:00

Yes another food(ish) related post. Whatever it is my blog, quit your belly-aching. The other day as a friend of mine made an entrance into a room he shouted out "Aww Bananas Bananas Bananas!" With a tone that rang true of Jamie Kennedy in Malibu's Most Wanted. I thought to myself, what am I supposed to do with that?

Do you want us all to "go bananas" for some reason? Should we be going "bananas" because you are here? I don't think anyone has gone "bananas" since July 1986 when we then started going nuts.

Then, WHAM epiphany. (anyone else think "wake me up before you go go?" It's OK I won't judge.)

I think the new fad should be to say completely non-sense things at inopportune times. I mean let's face it as man has been around for at least 2000 years. OK so everything appropriate, fitting, and even inappropriate has already been said, no matter what the situation. In this new age where we strive for originality we should just say completly off color things. It's harder than it sounds:

Let's say today is your four year old son's birthday.

BBBB (Before Bananas Bananas Bananas) you would have said "Happy Birthday son" and guess what like a million people before you have already said it.

ABBB (AFTER Bananas Bananas Bananas) you could say: "Screaming Cat Farts with Strawberry Sauce!" And I would bet nobody said that one before to a small child for his birthday.

Let's do more of these. Your aunt just died so you would say to your uncle:

BBBB "I offer my condolences, here is a tuna casserole" Yeah every dumb idiot makes tuna casserole for the grief stricken you unoriginal baby!

ABBB "Here tie this caution tape to that dead horse and be sure it loops around the cactus." See there doesn't even have to be a dead horse or a cactus around and already his spirits are lifted higher than any soggy noodles in a fish flavored cream sauce could've ever done. Jerk!

You wake up in a Vegas hotel room and your buddy is dry humping a dead hooker in a cage.

BBBB "What the fuck happened last night?" Logical question, you think you are the first guy this has happened to? NO WAY! Be original you toenail clipping!

ABBB "Aww, fudge muffins" Now, you might not be the first person to substitute a "good word" for a "bad word" but you would most certainly be the first one to do it that had a dead hooker in his room. Most guys with dead hookers around them don't have a problem with swearing.

Now you have the power. Get out there and be original, never let yourself become a cliché.

So Marsha Wants a Pickle?

2005-11-01T15:40:00.000-08:00

You want to put that damn stupid pickle decoration on MY christmas tree. What is wrong with you. No, I don't care if pickles are your favorite vegetable. They don't even count. Any nuntritional value in a pickle was replaced by vinager, sugar, salt, seasonings and preservatives. You might as well just eat bees and cockroaches.
I don't care what holiday it is, and I don't really have any idea what Jesus would do. Jesus probably wouldn't have drank a whole bottle of whisky before noon either. Yes that is right daddy is drunk again.
What is that stain on your shirt? Ice cream, Ice Cream, ICE CREAM!!! GODDAMNIT!!! I don't give a flying rat's ass, and I don't need to be reminded what holiday it is. Do I look like I can afford to buy you a new shirt, we are poor, we don't have money for shirts just growing on trees. Looks like you are going to have to learn how to do your own laundry.
Did mommy ever tell you that you were an accident.

It doesn't mean anything, I just wish that Trojan made a better product.

Well just tell her yourself then.

Halloween

2005-10-31T11:25:00.000-08:00

So this Halloween I will not be getting wasted in the Castro or at some crazy wild party. In fact I will probably not have any libations at all. I am on call this week as the emergency responder for any problems at work and must be sober.

I guess I am getting old. I will have a nice dinner, play with my dog and probably watch a spooky movie on the tube. I didn't even rent one for the occasion. But I still have my sense of humor... Yes that is a real cadaver dissection, and a fresh one at that.

Taking Chain Quizes Head On!

2005-10-28T14:16:00.001-07:00

1. FIRST NAME: Trufant

2. WHAT IS THE MOST PHYSICAL PAIN YOU HAVE EVER BEEN IN?That time I put my testicles in a vice to find out if it would hurt, it did then I pulled em out without loosening the vice.

3. DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE GUM WITH YOU?Only stuck in my pubic hair

4. WHAT KIND OF MOUTHWASH DO YOU PREFER?Spree ground into a fine powder and then disolved in Dr. Pepper

5. ARE YOU GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BI?No

6. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE A GOOD KISSER?Only if I get to use my teeth

7. WOULD YOU SEVER YOUR OWN PINKY FINGER WITH A KNIFE FOR 10 MILLION DOLLARS?Shoot I'd do it for 1 mil.

8. DO YOU THINK MIDGETS ARE CREEPY?Kind of, but then I remember that they have regular person sized organs in those tiny bodies, and I figure that they are just always in pain, and that sucks.

9. DO YOU BELIEVE IN A HIGHER BEING?She's out there.

10. IF YOU ARE A SMOKER, WHAT IS YOUR BRAND?Tenderloin brand Crack Rocks. "the only rocks that truly satisfy"

11. WHAT IS YOUR DRUG OF CHOICE?See above

12. BIG TRUCKS, LUXURY CARS, MOTOR CYCLES, OR FAST CARS ?Anything with a diamond steering wheel

13. WHAT KIND OF SUNGLASSES DO YOU WEAR?No

14. HAVE YOU EVER ENGAGED IN ANAL SEX?Yes, but then I broke the bottle and had to go to the hospital

15. DOES YOUR LOCAL WATER TASTE GOOD?I don't drink water, man can get all nutrients required from buritos and vodka.

16. WHAT KIND OF PC DO YOU HAVE?I don't own a computer

17. HOW OFTEN DO YOU POOP?At least 12 times a day, but most are small. I just like any excuse to wipe

18. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU GOT DRUNK?I am now

19. IF YOU HIT A 50 MILLION LOTTO, WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU WOULD BUY?See 10

20. DO YOU EVER GAMBLE?Yes.

21. IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE ?The center of the earth, crab people and mole men are the only beings that put getting drunk at work in their constitution.

22. YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBer?1234 5678 9010 8000 suck it

23. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A FLAT TIRE?Had and stabbed others

24. ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW HAIRY IS YOUR ASS?12, part of the reason I had to use a bottle for 14
25. DO YOU LIKE PRESIDENT BUSH?We'll I like Jesus don't I?

26. ARE YOU HUNGRY RIGHT NOW?No I just ate

27. WHAT IS/WAS YOUR FAVORITE SCHOOL LUNCH?Lunchables, they were so much better than just crackers, cheese and deli meat, they were a status symbol. Like elementary school diamond steering wheels.

28. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST FOOD?Bloody Mary

29. WHAT IS THE OLDEST ITEM IN YOUR HOUSE?My house is the oldest item

30. HOW MANY CD'S DO YOU HAVE?2 Both of the Prussian Blue records and that's all anybody needs

31. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO DRUNK YOU WET THE BED?Yup, at least once a week.

32. IF YOU COULD HAVE SEX WITH ANY ONE PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE?Tomkat they count as one person since they are together and the press has united them by names.

33. HAVE YOU EVER UNDERGONE SURGERY?Where do you think I got my kick ass tits?!?!

34. WHEN YOU STUB YOUR TOE OR BUMP YOUR HEAD, WHAT DO YOU USUALLY SAY? MOUSTACHE RIDES FIVE CENTS!!!

35. DO YOU ENJOY MAKING PEOPLE FEEL STUPID?Yes it is the only way I can compensate for my incredibly small penis.

36. WHO IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PERSON AT WORK/SCHOOL?myself, because of my teeny weeny.

37. WHAT BRAND IS YOUR CELL PHONE?Pimp playa prepaid

38. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CAUGHT MASTURBATING?Today... at work

39. HAVE YOU EVER CAUGHT ANYONE MASTURBATING?Yes then I finished it off for him

40. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU PUKED?I have a tube that allows me to puke out of the side of my torso, this way I can keep my teeth in my head. All the puking I do, they were starting to disolve.

41. HOW OLD ARE YOU?13

42. WOULD YOU RATHER SKY DIVE OR BUNGEE JUMP?Sky jump, no cord, no chutes... just splat

43. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ARRESTED?Yes

44. HOW OFTEN DO YOU SHAVE?Never

45. DO YOU THINK THE MIDGET QUESTION (8.) WAS OVER THE LINE?No

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BEER?The kind with bubbles

47. GIRLS: DO YOU SWALLOW?yes
GUYS: DOES YOUR GIRLFRIEND SWALLOW?Don't have a girlfriend

48. ARE YOU RACIST?Men are pigs

49. DO YOU THINK FARTS ARE FUNNY?Yes, big long loud juicy giggles

50. LIBERAL, CONSERVATIVE, OR NEITHER?Kill em all and let god sort it out

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF YOUR BODY?Left pinky toe nail

52. ARE YOU STILL THINKING ABOUT THE MIDGET QUESTION?Yes why does this quiz feel like bringing up the past. I live life with no regrets, and I never look back unless asked to by a stupid quiz.

53. IF AN ENTIRE STATE IN AMERICA WERE TO VANISH, WHICH DO YOU THINK WOULD NOT LIKELY BE MISSED?New york, damn high and mighties

54. HAVE YOU EVER FLUSHED A DECEASED PET DOWN THE TOILET?yes, Collie but I had to chop it and blend it so it would fit.

55. WHO ARE BETTER DRIVERS, MEN OR WOMEN?Age is the key here, older the better

56. ARE YOU SEXIST?Men are pigs

57. WHAT DO YOU THINK THE DUMBEST SPORT IS?All sports are stupid except nascar, and Catfish noodling.

58. DO YOU FORWARD CHAIN EMAILS THAT CLAIM TO BE GOOD/BAD LUCK?
Always, If I can find true love, or get a wish, or get money from microsoft just by annoying everyone in my address book you bet they are hearing from me. Chain e-mails are like my geine in a bottle.

59. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING THIS VERY SECOND?So Like the liver makes the bile right?

60. DO YOU SLOW DOWN AT CAR ACCIDENTS ATTEMPTING TO CATCH A GLIMPSE?Yes I must, I stop my car run over to the accident and begin a prayer circle so that their souls can find their way into heaven. It is my constitutional right to view carnage, and don't none of you damn hippies try to take it away from me with traffic "laws"!

61. WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING OTHER THAN WORKING ON YOUR BLOG? Developing business plan

62. HAVE YOU EVER HAD JURY DUTY?I am black listed for pushing ahead my agenda.

63. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT "FUCK BUDDIES"?Only if they are animals, cause then nobody's feelings get hurt.

This Mother Fucker

2005-10-28T13:29:00.000-07:00

This asshole is actually fucking you, your mother and anyone else important in your life. His company made almost 10 billion (10,000,000,000.00 [looks pretty crazy all spelled out]) dollars net profit in THREE months by selling overpriced gasoline.
Yeah yeah yeah there are a whole crap load of problems with our reliance on oil, but that is not what this web log is about. Look at that disgusting double chin and his fucked up teeth. Ewww. You know he started off this meeting with this comment:
"Well gentlemen (cause you know them good ol' boys keep women in the kitchen) looks like we finally did it. ah ha ha ha (the more he laughs the more that turkey waddle quivers)"
"Now on to more important business. Our weekly retreat to Thailand to buy underage hookers has been moved to Thursday instead of Friday and the jet leaves at noon sharp. Be there or be square, ah ha ha ha (more with the turkey waddle)"
"And finally we will upgrade the company yacht fleet by purchasing the Canadian Navy and the US Coast Guard. We have contracted West Coast Customs to totally "trick" those boats out for us. Did I use that right? "Trick" isn't that what all the "jiggy" kids are saying these days? AH HA HA HA HA HA (now he laughs so hard that the fat trapped in his neck threatens to break from it's skin prison and strangle its captor upon escape)"
"Oh and seriously guys the $100 bills in the bathroom are for lighting cigars, the 20's are for wiping your ass. What, are we MADE of money? If I see another log covered in soiled Franklins I'm just going to loose it. Wadsworth I'm looking at you... I know it was you. Fine then well just fill your stall with singles... huh, what's that? Yeah I know sitting on a 24K Gold toilet seat calls for something special, but we must be reasonable. Keep it to Jacksons from now on"

"Meeting adjourned"

Comedy blogs

2005-10-28T08:38:00.000-07:00

I have been doing some research as to what makes a good comedy blog. Ugh the top blogs have absolutely nothing to offer. There is no witty writing, just a conglomeration of racist jokes, anime, and porn. This should be a market that is easily conquered. I think that I will start by archiving all of my old blogs. In the future I will cover such topics of crazy homeless folk, fishing, work life, other losers, politics and my dog. Basically anything that is funny to me. The idea is that I get rich off this somehow.

So this is blogging

2005-10-27T15:12:00.000-07:00

I am leaving my crappy little myspace blog, I guess it is time to venture out into the world. Today I am a man... I think.