My Worst Fears

Rachel Ray has become a sex symbol. Ewww! I can't stand her show. I can't stand her laugh. I can't imagine what sex with her would even be like... actually maybe something like this:

Before she starts in she gets her mise en place together. "Let's see lube, handcuffs, turkey leg, strawberries, EVOO, condom"

Guy: I don't know if we need all this

RR: Don't worry I have a recipe, and if it works I'll give you a mention in my cookbook, now put the condom on.

Guy: I am not even hard

RR: take care of that while I go to commercial break

Guy: Who are you talking to, there better not be any cameras here.

RR: OK we're back, while you were gone I have mascerated 8 cups of EVOO and 8 cups of strawberries. Now I want you to slather that all over the turkey leg and smack my ass with it. Any extra strawberry/EVOO mixture can be saved for later. I think I am just going to wallow around in it while you hit me with this turkey leg.

Guy: Well you only live once

RR: Yeah tenderize that meat. Now eat all the EVOO off my butt

Guy: I'm drunk enough

RR: Now place that in here back and forth for 40-50 minutes or until it is golden brown and delicious

(now dear reader(s) I cannot even begin to describe the heinous sex noise that I envision Rachel Ray making but it is a combination of a donkey and her awful laugh).

This blog is going get me a first class one way ticked to hell.