Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Dumbtards with Umbrellas

Recently I have not been "feeling funny" so I took a hiatus from the blogging. Well I feel pretty good now so it is time to get back on the horse.

I hate this time of year (November). Idiots and umbrellas come together. It gives mean people the right to live in their bubble with even less regard for other humans. Yesterday (read: one day in November, again the hiatus) someone actually walked (umbrella first) right into me. How selfish do you have to be to understand that others are walking past you on the sidewalk and that nylon and metal contraption can poke someone.

-New law when I become governor: People with umbrellas must yield the sidewalk to non-umbrella holding persons. Punishment for failure to comply, immediate/forceful confiscation of the umbrella from the pokee (read: I kick your ass and take your umbrella).

Another thing that umbrella idiots do is they hog all the rain free zones under awnings, trees, fire escapes and building ledges. Listen up mother fucker you have a portable shelter on top of your head, you do NOT need the brief stationary break from the rain. I do not have an umbrella and I count on these to get a brief break in the rain.

-New law when I become governor: People with umbrellas must walk in the rain. They must yield the temporary shelter to non-umbrella holding individuals. Punishment for failure to comply, Non-umbrella holding individual shall damage the umbrella past the point of usefulness. (read: I get to stomp the shit out of your umbrella and give you a reason to use the brief shelter)

And now the biggest problem of them all, the one umbrella offense that makes you eligible for capital punishment in the new California. My biggest umbrella peeve ever... those fucking jerks who think it is a good idea to keep their umbrella over their head at a bus station. ARGH!
1) you take up valuable standing room from people who do not have an umbrella. The moment you bought that contraption you signed a social contract that you in fact will "take one for the team" and stand out in the rain and give others access to the shelter.
2) you bring your dripping wet umbrella into the shelter and get everyone else wet with your drips. Worse yet you give it a good spin and soak everyone huddled under the shelter.
There is a special place in hell for you "umbrella in the bus shelter person."

-New law when I become governor: Of course this behavior is banned. Punishment for failure to comply, none. You can stand there smugly absorbing the hateful stares of everyone around you. Your punishment will be delivered in the afterlife, and you will wish you lived a better life. Let's just say that it involves your anus and a hot poker for all eternity.


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