Thursday, July 20, 2006

I got a serious beef with the city of Phoenix

Phoenix, you fucking suck.

I just got back from a fantastic fishing trip with my father in Baja. It was great, caught a bunch of fish and got really wasted every day. Our lay over on the way back to the states was Phoenix, the biggest shithole city in all of the United States.

This story begins at the Los Cabos Intl. Airport. I had to take a crap sooooo bad. While everyone else in our party was dropping big bucks at the Duty Free (which is a rip-off) I headed to the toilet. Whoa. I was met with a toilet that would have been a great stand-in for the trainspotting movie. If toilets could talk that one could have told stories about violation that would turn mere mortals into stone. There were about 6-8 loads built up, no water, and a mountain of toilet paper. OK says the reader go to the next stall. Same story. Two sit down toilets in the entire terminal and both were totally destroyed.

I decide to grim up and keep the kids out of the pool until back in the states. No fucking way would I ever use an airplane toilet. Not even an option so forget about it.

Fast forward to the Phoenix approach... Great almost there. Looking out the window to take my mind of the gopher trying to pop his head out and say hello in my drawers. I count things when I get stressed, and what do I see but no less that 56 lush green baseball fields and 8 golf courses on Phoenix approach . What! This is the fucking desert. Already I am pissed with the opulence and waste of this god forsaken shit hole.

I step off the plane, on to customs like I got a hot foot. Dad flirts with the U.S. Customs agent and we fly right through the line. Way to go Dad, you got it in full effect.

Baggage claim, YES! Time to drop the deuce deuce on Phoenix!

I sit down in one of the many spotless toilets so neatly lined up. SWEET RELIEF! A brief victory in a tale of defeat. Then I go to wipe, grrrr.

Each time I lean forward to wipe the automatic flushing toilet roars to life releasing an aeresol of shit water all over my hand. The point of these sensor flush toilets is to prevent lazy americans from actually having to bend over and push a handle. Are we really that lazy that we can't be trusted to flush? That's fucking sad.

Now I'll be honest this shit was quite a chore and cleaning up the business end took quite some time. With each flush another cool blast of toilet water.

Then I go to wash my hands and not a single automatic water dispensor sink will give me any H2O. All this care taken to be sure that people don't get a singe drop of excess water while washing their hands and surrounded by waste. I tried 6 sinks in a desperate quest for water to wash my hands before success. I was one attempt away from taking my agression out on the bathroom itself.

I honestly thought "If I kick the faucet off the wall, then I'll get some mother fucking water! How do you like your baseball diamonds now Phoenix? Huh! Bitch!" Common sense overcame testicle driven agression, and I washed my hands, claimed my bags and headed to Sacramento.

Fuck Phoenix, and if you are from Phoenix... Fuck you too! You live in a fucking desert, no way you should have that much green there. Take up a hobby of dirt biking, rock climbing, or sand swallowing. Y'all got plenty dirt, rock and sand out there, give the resource a break.