Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Cardio is my Fiber

After a few weeks off at the gym I got kind of stopped up. Actually the story is a little more involved than that...

I had to take time off because I was pretty sick, like no more than 20' from a toilet kind of sick. The kind of run-right-through-you-and-leave-a-hefty-smear-of-green-foam-all-over-the-ass type sick. Then after I kicked the illness I had the opposite problem, I couldn't get rid of anything. No poop for three days is scary for a guy like me. I am Mr. Regular.

I thought maybe my body was so purged of intestinal fodder that it required something, anything, everything to hold on to. When I did shit it wasn't the resounding triumph of nature that a guy can be proud of. They looked more like those pitiful snakes that Californians are forced to light on the fourth of July because we don't get cool fireworks like they do in Missouri.

Me, I like pooping. I do it well. I was deprived of my morning relief. Sadness enveloped me and I needed release.

I turned to the only resource I had to ass-ist (couldn't resist) with a feeble attempt at self diagnosis, the Internet. There were many sites out there that perpetuate the urban legend that John Wayne had 40+ lbs. of beef impacted into his lower intestine. They insisted that all I really needed was a high colonic, or an herbal solution. I actually considered purchasing this product.
Yeah, I was that bad off. I kept looking through the website and found testimonials where people position hideous looking things that they shit out and then photograph them to document their cleansing process. Things like this:

Allow me to interpret the contents of this photo for you dear reader. This person is so proud of their discharge that they are holding said dripping discharge on a butter knife in front of the good white towels while the discharge is dripping ass juice and toilet water all over the bathroom floor, and then photographing it.
OH MY GAWD!!@! What the hell? Is that really inside me? If I take this product will I be able to abort the fetal hell spawn that Satan has implanted in my anus while I sleep at night as punishment for all of my sins? If I did take this colon cleanse and discharge a fetal hell spawn from my ass would I then be compelled to take photographic evidence of my rectal discharge? Then I considered it after reading more testimonials... Could I really loose a bunch of weight in the form of colon critters? Would I be healthier? Stronger? Faster? Better? Simply by taking some herbs...


I snapped back to reality, but what happened to the butter knife? Do you think he wiped it off and put it back in the drawer? That is just the kind of thing a guy who would take pictures of abnormal shit would do. Gross.
Note to self. Bring own butter knife with you where ever you go.
Well to make a short story long and then short again. I pooped no less than 5 times after a good round of vigorous exercise. Exercise was the other thing that the almighty Internet recommended to recapture regularity that I wasn't already doing. I figured that the gym is already a sunk cost and I didn't need to pay 200 bucks for some herbs that were going to force me to lay evil ass babies.

Monday, November 26, 2007

I guess they are just born that way...

I was playing fetch with my dog on Saturday when a happy family walked by us. Mom, Dad, baby in stroller and a toddler girl sitting on her Dad's shoulders. I got this snippet of their conversation:

Toddler Girl: Oooh that doggy is fast.
Dad: Yes he sure is.
TG: He has to mind his master doesn't he?
D: Yes
TG: He minds well, doesn't he.
D: Yes
TG: Daddy can I have one of those shiny collars?

D: Let's see if Santa can get you one?

Whoa. Dogs.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Kind a sad...

So my brother's friend is looking to move to SF soon and I decided to surf for a few apartments in his price range. I wanted to see what a swinging bachelor could get for between 1000 and 1500 dollars in the city. I kept coming across these photos with the ads.

How freaking sad is this picture. I get that they are trying to make it cute and clear that they do not want animals in the house, but it is still sad. Sort of, well, if you have a dog you are going to have to pack all of his worldly possessions (2 bones) into a hobo sack and set him off into the world... sad-faced... alone, or maybe with that bitch of a cat.