Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Best day of the year

Ahh Thanksgiving the only day of the year when it is perfectly acceptable to eat for 8 hours straight, sit around and watch football and gain 10 lbs in a sitting. What a truly american holiday! WOOO, Stuffing!

Monday, November 21, 2005

Biggest Rip-Off in the History of Fruit.

Alright so after two important people told me not to; I have decided that I will not quit.

I bought these things the other day... Grapples. I was suckered in by the idea that it would have the flavor of a grape but the durability of an apple. Grapes frequently turn into juice if I pack them in a lunch, however apples are in it for the long haul. As far as the hierarchy of fruit flavors go grapes are way better, I thought I had found my rosetta stone.

Only to find that these are the biggest load of crap in the fruit world. I used to think that kumquats were the biggest rip-off, now grapples fill that niche. It is an apple coated with an artificial grape flavoring. Ugh, smells like that cheap grape soda made by Shasta, not even as good as a fanta. And if you wash it the grapeness goes away. What did I pay for this stupid pack of four apples? Five bucks... FIVE BUCKS. That is more than a buck an apple. Yup, a sucker is born everyday, and I am that sucker.

You are right in your lack of trust in the grapple.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I am taking a break. I might call it quits. I hate this Blog, and I don't have anything to say. Nobody reads it. I might as well just keep a journal or something...

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Listen Up Nancy Boys!

"All y'all better take your fudge packing asses to the coasts" said the cop.

For those that don't know Civil rights in Texas was dealt a huge blow (get it he he he) last night. The state of Texas has banned gay marriage. I don't know how to make this funny.

But I did hear somewhere that there was a protest thing somewhere deep in the heart of Texas that "was against the war in Iraq because it is a war that protects the rights of homosexuals." WHAT!

How the hell do you arrive at that conclusion? You know what that is, a bunch of born again folks who are jumping on the anti-Bush bandwagon to protest the war but still wanted to make their protest include sanctity of marriage issues. That makes about as much sense as a PETA rally protesting the lack of an ocean for lobsters in sub-Saharan Africa AND trying to raise awareness for AIDS prevention. Got news for you folks TOTALLY UNRELATED! Stick to one cause, otherwise you might hurt yourselves.

... The stars at night shine big and bright...

But the citizens sure are dull.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Is it wrong that all I can think about right now is crab? I want to do nothing but go crabbing. I have actually considered calling in sick to work so that I could go out, cut up a bunch of stinky fish, and stand in the rain for the chance of landing a few delicious invertebrates. I would never call in sick to go crabbing because knowing my luck I would probably loose a hand in a rope and then how do I explain the stump when I come back to work.

Monday, November 07, 2005

I Hate Everyone

You all suck. Don't you know the only reason to have a blog is to be accepted by a bunch of people I don't know and will never see. The only way I can be accepted is by comments. Please please please increase my sense of self worth with your words. I hate you.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Awww Bananas Bananas Bananas!

Yes another food(ish) related post. Whatever it is my blog, quit your belly-aching. The other day as a friend of mine made an entrance into a room he shouted out "Aww Bananas Bananas Bananas!" With a tone that rang true of Jamie Kennedy in Malibu's Most Wanted. I thought to myself, what am I supposed to do with that?

Do you want us all to "go bananas" for some reason? Should we be going "bananas" because you are here? I don't think anyone has gone "bananas" since July 1986 when we then started going nuts.

Then, WHAM epiphany. (anyone else think "wake me up before you go go?" It's OK I won't judge.)

I think the new fad should be to say completely non-sense things at inopportune times. I mean let's face it as man has been around for at least 2000 years. OK so everything appropriate, fitting, and even inappropriate has already been said, no matter what the situation. In this new age where we strive for originality we should just say completly off color things. It's harder than it sounds:

Let's say today is your four year old son's birthday.

BBBB (Before Bananas Bananas Bananas) you would have said "Happy Birthday son" and guess what like a million people before you have already said it.

ABBB (AFTER Bananas Bananas Bananas) you could say: "Screaming Cat Farts with Strawberry Sauce!" And I would bet nobody said that one before to a small child for his birthday.

Let's do more of these. Your aunt just died so you would say to your uncle:

BBBB "I offer my condolences, here is a tuna casserole" Yeah every dumb idiot makes tuna casserole for the grief stricken you unoriginal baby!

ABBB "Here tie this caution tape to that dead horse and be sure it loops around the cactus." See there doesn't even have to be a dead horse or a cactus around and already his spirits are lifted higher than any soggy noodles in a fish flavored cream sauce could've ever done. Jerk!

You wake up in a Vegas hotel room and your buddy is dry humping a dead hooker in a cage.

BBBB "What the fuck happened last night?" Logical question, you think you are the first guy this has happened to? NO WAY! Be original you toenail clipping!

ABBB "Aww, fudge muffins" Now, you might not be the first person to substitute a "good word" for a "bad word" but you would most certainly be the first one to do it that had a dead hooker in his room. Most guys with dead hookers around them don't have a problem with swearing.

Now you have the power. Get out there and be original, never let yourself become a cliché.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

So Marsha Wants a Pickle?

You want to put that damn stupid pickle decoration on MY christmas tree. What is wrong with you. No, I don't care if pickles are your favorite vegetable. They don't even count. Any nuntritional value in a pickle was replaced by vinager, sugar, salt, seasonings and preservatives. You might as well just eat bees and cockroaches.
I don't care what holiday it is, and I don't really have any idea what Jesus would do. Jesus probably wouldn't have drank a whole bottle of whisky before noon either. Yes that is right daddy is drunk again.
What is that stain on your shirt? Ice cream, Ice Cream, ICE CREAM!!! GODDAMNIT!!! I don't give a flying rat's ass, and I don't need to be reminded what holiday it is. Do I look like I can afford to buy you a new shirt, we are poor, we don't have money for shirts just growing on trees. Looks like you are going to have to learn how to do your own laundry.
Did mommy ever tell you that you were an accident.

It doesn't mean anything, I just wish that Trojan made a better product.

Well just tell her yourself then.