Friday, June 29, 2007

Hell(3x) ass(2x) pissed (1x)

So at this website: you can discover what your blog is rated. Mine was given an R rating based on the frequent of the words "hell" (mingle found that one three times) "ass" (they found it twice) and "pissed" (they found it once) While I agree that my blog is probably rated R based on the incessant bad language, full frontal male nudity, and constant themes of generally being a mean person I think mingle kind of missed the point (and the count). If hell is enough to get me an R rating, then this system might be a bit too strict. Or maybe the folks at mingle don't think "queef" "felch" and "smegma" are filthy enough. Personally I would not want my kids to be familiar with a felch and I would hope that by the time they were 17 they would know what hell is.

On a totally unrelated note I was at SFGH today and I heard another "general gem" I think I need to chronicle the types of things I have seen here. From now on I promise that each trip to the general will be mentioned in this blog. Today I overhead a Staff counselor's telephone conversation. Mind you this is a STAFF COUNSELOR!

"Yes I understand that we all have stressful jobs, but the crack is not helping. It does the opposite of winding you down."


"I would really like it if you sought treatment for the crack abuse"

Really, someone on staff at SFGH has a problem smoking crack. SURPRISE!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I don't understand

A co-worker bought these Tropical Skittles. I think she was suckered in by the pretty blue package and awesome rainbow. I wanted to taste each flavor, and I noticed the flavor key which I thought was interesting.

We all know that the good ol fashioned skittles are orange, lemon, lime, strawberry and grape. But these tropical flavors are:

-Yellow: Banana Berry. Ok I get it yellow is the color of a banana, not a berry. That one will fly with me.
Taste: Rotten semen fruit, not at all edible.

-Green:Key lime. Yup, limes are in fact green.
Taste: More like a sour apple. Enjoyable, but not a lime.

-Orange: Mango Tangelo. Tangelos are orange and I guess that since yellow was already taken by the semen fruit that orange is close to the color of a mango's flesh.
Taste: Not bad. Tastes like a tangerine, but you can tell that they tried to get some chemically Mango flavor in there for the aftertaste.

-Blue: Pineapple Passion Fruit. WHAT THE FUCK! Neither Pineapples nor passion fruit are blue. I think that this is all marketing of Blue #1 is an secret conspiracy to get America's youth to buy candy (because blue is a pretty color) and get cancer (because Blue #1 dye clearly causes cancer)
Taste: It tastes like 4-mercaptoethanol smells. For those of you who are not chemists, this is the material that gives natural gas its distinct stink.

-Pink: Strawberry Starfruit. Same deal with the yellow. Strawberries are pink (sort of) but starfruit are not.
Taste: A cross between mint and parsley that has been in the fridge for about a week and has turned slimey.

Conclusion Tropical Skittles are disgusting, full of lies and cancer.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

My Trip to the East Bay

Yesterday my wife and I met some friends and their son in the east bay for dinner. And of course hilarity ensued. First I am still addicted to mad libs. What I have learned is that a lot of nouns don't really "work" no matter how funny the word is on its own, but this one was pure mad libs magic. Really I did not cheat. However events then followed where I had to restrain both my laughter and my temper...

When you are in love you greet each day with an addiction in your heart and a queef on your face.
When you are in love you see the whole wide lust through rose colored nylons and loving elbows.
When you are in love you walk by a babbling idiot, spontaneously remove your shoes roll up your tunnels, sit down and dangle your clitoris in the sparkling borscht.
When you are in love you believe beyond the shadow of a mango that you can climb to the nearest touchdown or explode in the deepest rapture.
When you are in love you feel good from the tip of your penis to the top of your appendix.

So I am sitting there laughing to myself thinking I am just the most clever person in the world and really proud of what I had accomplished when I hear "Well, I don't think that's appropriate."

I turned around to find that someone next to me, READING OVER MY SHOULDER felt it a proper setting to comment on my quiet musings. So I like to giggle about words like queef, penis and clitoris. In fact I like to double over in laughter about such silly nouns. (Yes I am still eleven, what?!)

Yes dear readers I did restrain myself, and lucky for her it was my stop so I simply said "I don't really care what you think" and walked off the train. Then later when I tried to share the story and mad lib with my wife she took the same attitude. Maybe I shouldn't say "queef" in public at a very audible volume, so I understand where she is coming from. BUT I sure as hell will write whatever I feel like in my mad libs flip book.

Then we had dinner with friends and their 2 and a half year old son. As far as children go he was probably among the most well behaved I have ever met. There was some fear issues at first, but then again I am a pretty scary looking mother fucker (at least to a 2.5 year old). Then we were treated to wonderful company after he woke up and came out of his shell. Some highlights:

1) Mom "no, don't put milk in your dump truck put some pretend dirt in your truck"
Boy "Dirt?"
Mom "pretend dirt"
Boy "OOOOHHH PRETEND DIRT" and then he quietly repeated the word "pretend" while making this rat eating cheese face and accompanying noises. Too cute.

2) The answer to any question was "yes" even if he really means "no" for example
Seth "do you want some cheese?"
boy "yes"
Seth applies cheese to bread, puts an apple on top and hands it over.
boy "here mommy you eat"
Mom "mmmmh"
Seth "sorry, I know you are perfectly capable of working a cheese plate, but now you can have some of my cooties"

3) Tickling and screaming at the table

4) The tedious drinking of milk one drop at a time by licking the straw rather than using the straw

5) At the end of the night the boy was not ready for the party to end, so he asked:
"Can wife come in the car with us?"
Parents "no she is going to go home"
boy "in our car?"
Parents "no she is going in her car"
Boy "can she come take a nap with us, we can all nap"
Parents "no she is going to go nap at her house, and we will nap at the hotel"
Boy "Yes but we all take naps"
Parents "yes we all take naps"

What a stud, his only 2 and a half and he is already hitting on married women.

All that cuteness though and I still don't want one...

Friday, June 01, 2007

Mad Libs are great!

My wife got a few for our trip to Belize, but there was so much better stuff to do that we did not play mad libs. But what is excellent news is that you can now play mad libs by yourself. You can fill in all the blanks without looking at the card and then complete the puzzle. I have done a few that really sucked but here is one I am proud of from the "Mad Libs in Love" series.


If he exhibits three or more of the following colostomy bags, you may flagrantly assume you are the kiwi of his eye.
1) When you look him straight in the bicuspid, does he avert his plagues and give you and uncomfortable smegma?
2) If you compliment him, does his afterbirth turn a bright black?
3) After you first met, did he call a mutual sardine to see if you were barfing steady?
4) When you were alone for the first time, did he try to put his elbow skin around you? Did you find his sins wet and clammy and did he sweat and bite excessively?
5) After a passionate date, does he abuse you on the phone or write you a hangnail or better yet send you a bouquet of scabs?
If he did three or more of the above, you can bet your last compost he has the mosquitoes for you.

I know when I met my wife I was always sweating and biting her. Also my afterbirth turned so black every time I saw her. Also for those that don't know here is a penis covered in smegma. I spared the photo because I think there are already enough pictures of penises on this blog.