Thursday, May 18, 2006

Cute old people

I was walking to work this morning when I saw something precious. For those of you that may or may not know Parnassus avenue at UCSF is a war zone. Allow me to set the scene:
-Cars are trying to find free parking, which doesn't exist and that only makes the cars more ferocious and desperate.
-Muni drivers are even more tense because they are getting behind schedule as the traffic moves so slowly, and it puts them farther and farther from their next menthol.
-Shuttle bus drivers are aiming for anything that moves, and doing so at a high rate of speed.
-Pedestrians, feeling threatened, are emboldened to walk where they want when they want as kind of a "fuck you" to the cars. Or my personal favorite "I am a doctor you can't hit me as I jaywalk because aside from locomotion on pavement I prefer to walk on water, I save lives and I am impervious to 1 ton hunks of metal and machine moving rapidly... I am a doctor."
-City and University meter maids are zipping around handing out parking tickets as fast as they can to all the folks who think they found free parking in front of a fire hydrant or in the middle of the street.
-Delivery truck drivers are parked in the suicide lane to make deliveries. The commercial loading zones are full of cars illegally parked and getting tickets so the truck drivers park in the middle of the road and offload there. This makes left hand turns a dangerous prospect.

So this morning I see a man pushing his wife in her wheelchair. He is about 85 and looks pretty fit. She is younger than him but has suffered a pretty serious stroke. She is ceased up on her right side and is drooling on her bib. I could tell that he loved her because her bib matched her pink velour jogging suit. As he was trying to cross Parnassus avenue in the crosswalk he got caught in no-man's land between two illegally parked delivery trucks and someone trying to make a left turn. I could see him getting frustrated that no cars were stopping to let him complete his journey across the crosswalk. I mean they couldn't see him because of all the shenanigans in the middle lane. Finally he pops, he screams "Fuck you all I am walking HERE!"

He moves out into oncoming traffic, the next car was going WAY over the speed limit and had to screech to a halt. Then the man started walking toward the car. The car backed up, and the man kept walking toward it. It was a showdown. Like I would expect a hyena and a lion to fight over some carrion in the middle of the dry season. Then he got to the handicap entrace to the side walk, pushed his wife up on ramp and kissed her on the cheek.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Drilling Barry!

I am sick and tired of Barry being targeted by the opposition. Makes me nuts. What if the same thing started happening to Albert Pujols? What then? Is it OK to bean him for some reason? Don't mention 'roids in this conversation because that has nothing to do with this.

Last night Springer needed 5 pitches to finally get it right. First pitch was behind him, then some were in tight and finally the dumb ass connected his pitch to Barry's shoulder.

The game was so far away from the Astros at that point and it was just stupid crap. There was no way the 'stros were coming back from that deficit.

This morning on the sports talk radio some dumb fuck said Barry deserved it because he crowds the plate. I've never heard anything so stupid in my life. We all know pitchers are afraid of him and they don't want to give up 714.

Then the talk show hosts went off on some tangent that Giants pitchers don't protect their big man. Bullshit! Both Morris and Cain have drilled back already this season. When the other team's big men came up in the next inning wham right in the butt. Shit, Morris even drilled two of them before he got tossed.

Then Kruk starts in on this shit where it was all strategy so that when Morris retaliates tonight he can get tossed and the Astros can get into the pen that much faster. Even worse Bullshit!

Here is my plan. You can't just drill the clean-up hitter and expect this shit to be square. Remember that scene in Untouchables where Sean Connery says "they pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue." That is how I feel about this situation.

So here is my plan:
Wait until the pitcher comes up to bat. Then Mike Mattheney can grab the bat out of the pitchers hand and beat the shit out of him... Juan Marichal style!

He'll be able to get a few good cracks in before it gets broken up because the ump won't expect it. Next time a skip calls for the bean ball, the pitcher will be thinking about what happened to that guy Mattheney beat to shit and he'll just get an intentional walk.

Stop Drilling Barry, or I am sharing this with Felipe and I know his old school ass will put a hurting on some fuckers.

Don't fuck with my Giants...

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Shitty Ass Game

I went to the Giants game last night with my friend Gunner (name has been changed to protect the innocent). Not only did the giants get the asses kicked, chewed, digested and then turned into compost but we were stuck in the "Assholes Only" section. I asked Gunner how we got stuck in this section and he said it was because he was playing tennis and accidentally hit a hummingbird. Think Big Unit's run in with a pigeon and a fastball... I know he didn't do it on purpose, I mean he's a vegan for chrissakes. The baseball gods however saw fit to place us in the section that was chock full of assholes.

As all two of my readers are aware Barry Bonds is trying to tie Babe Ruth's record of 714 home runs. Last night had perfect conditions for him to excel, it was warm, the wind was blowing the right direction and I fully expected him to hit 714 and 715. When Barry comes up to the plate Gunner and I stood up out of respect for a baseball legend (don't give me that shit about the clear and the cream, he's a damn fine player). And from behind me I hear the raspy voice of an unloved bitter old bitch "Sit DOWN!, Down in front. Are you deaf I said SIT DOWN!"

I asked Gunner "You hear that?"

"No." he replied.

Barry struck out, but that dumb cunt decided to carry on about the standing thing. She made one more comment and then threw trash at us. WHAT THE FUCK! Both of us lost it a little bit. I turned around and popped the stink eye at everyone behind us. They were all guilty in my mind. Then a nice middle aged woman said. "Wasn't me it was her." And who did she point to? None other than...

OK so it wasn't really Danny DeVito but it was a dead ringer for the Penguin. Eww. She had stringy unwashed hair, purple dyed eyebrows, a hook nose, awful teeth and a squat waddly stature. She was an abomination of mankind. I think even penguins would find her disagreeable.

Gunner snapped "Why don't you stand up BITCH! Show some respect."

She had no response. Why do people think it is OK to yell at someone until they push back? She sat back in her seat with a smug look on her face. San Franciscans really think that the world revolves around them. I paid the same price for my seat and if I want to stand then I can. Get off your sorry, unfucked, penguin ass and stand up. If you are too short stand on your damn seat. What is wrong with people? Don't you DARE tell me how to live!

On a related note some lady sitting in front of us left her seat from inning 3-6 when she returned she found my foot print on her seat. I used it as a step stool so that the people around me didn't have to stand up when I went to take a leak. Her seat offered unobstructed access to the aisle. When she returned she commented to her bald, overaged, cuckolded husband in the most annoying baby voice that "My seat is aww diwty."

I hate two things in girl conversation:
1) substituting l's and r's for baby w's
2) uptalking

Yeah I stepped on your fucking seat. GET OVER IT! Wipe it off. What do you think happens when baseball games aren't happening. I'll tell you. Dirty ass pigeons use your seat to spawn more flying rats in an act of unholy pigeon lust. They leave lice and disease behind, I promise that Big Telephone Co. Ballpark doesn't disinfect the seats.

My readers might ask wow he's on a rampage, why the bad mood sethonious?

Barry didn't hit a homer and the Giants lost. Either of those things would have made this an entirely different blog entry. Instead it has become a "fuck those jerks" kind of entry.

Fuck those jerks. Fuck 'em.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

NL East

When did the NL East become a bunch of pansies. They have been a powehouse conference for so long and now they are the rest of the NL's whipping post. The Braves haven't been this far behind.500 in like a decade and a half. This is a changing of the guard, Bow down to the WEST! The central will faulter later in the season trust me...

Thursday, May 04, 2006

What I've Learned From My Dog

1) The bigger the ball, the BETTER!
2) It is OK to walk by a stranger an lick them... provided that you are cute enough to get away with it.
3) When ya gotta pee it is acceptable to drop what you are doing and just let go. Nothing is more important than relief.
4) Snuggling is good, really really goooood.
5) Sleepy Saturday mornings are glorious.
6) Dirty is only a frame of mind, baths are optional.
7) A big tongue is a good thing.
8) Grass tastes good (I have yet to verify this I am just going on how much grass he eats).
9) Pooping makes you lighter and you can run faster when lighter.
10) I am always loved... and that's a good thing. .

Monday, May 01, 2006

Is there something else I should be doing?

I have been feeling kind of bored recently. Eh I don't know. Just like I need to try something new. Maybe it really is time for surfing lessons or something else I have never done before in my life. Maybe I am just pissed to be at work when it is so nice outside. I think the answer is that I need more ocean based activity in my life. I need to do something different, or I might just go crazy.