Complications with Fruit

My dear wife has been trying to get me to eat more fruit. A worthy goal since I usually like my fruit in "starburst" form. I have decided that fruit needs to be organized in order of complexity to eat. I have come up with the list in an attempt to 1) make any thing possible funny, and 2) bring more order to my otherwise chaotic life. I have arranged these fruits on my scale of 1-10 based on... well nothing other than my opinion.





#1 The apple.



Yeah tasty, but not that complicated. In fact if you were new to the whole eating food thing you could eat the whole thing without repercussions. Ever hear of the apple core club, then you didn't spend enough time at the Yosemite kids camp and are clearly 20x cooler than I am.

#2 The grape

Although you can do a lot of wonderful (alcoholic) things that are probably quite complicated; this fruit of the gods mostly comes seedless, and all you have to do is pick the sweet morsels from a stem and blam-o! flavor! The only reason our legal team keeps us from writing about "so easy a child could do it" is the sheer number of grape induced child deaths from asphyxiation. If I have to read about one kid choking to death on a grape, so help me GOD!!! I'll have all their asses, ALL THEIR ASSES!

#3 The banana

Peel and eat, big whoop.

#4 The watermelon

This fruit requires skills in a few areas. First it helps to not be color blind, you have to stop eating when you get to the white part. Second you should be able to slice with a knife, however technique is really not required with the whole cutting part. And one more thing I bet you could eat it if you just dropped it and broke it open, so on second thought fuck the knife, go caveman on that melon's ass.

#5 StrawberriesDelicious, mostly edible, no knife required so what the hell is a strawberry doing at 5? Drip and stain factor. I have sent more ties to the drycleaners for this devilish fruit's propensity for destruction than I have had forced anal insertions (for you keeping score at home that is 4 ties to the cleaners and 0 forced anal insertions.)

#6 Kiwi
Difficult to peel, should be sliced, very slimy to hold and rather exotic and forbidden. I am pretty sure that Mormons still think that they are poisonous. One geeky science fact that increases this fruits complexity is that unlike most fruits this one requires both male and female plants, most fruit bearing plants are hermaphrodites. Kiwi dudes got to be sexy to make that a few hundred kiwi chicas accept his pollen and then... 9 months later they all got vines full of baby fruits, and his dead-beat-dad-ass is all the way on the other side of the field and he ain't coming over to help raise them babies. Then they all wind up on Springer.


#7 is a tie between Pineappleand MangoBoth require fairly technical knife skills, have inedible skin and have a hard inside (core or pit). Both are also delicious, juicy, and make me want to have sex; which of course complicates... mmmmh things.

#8 Tomato
Yeah that's right bitch I said tomato. You wanna fight about it? Well fuck you mother fucker the only thing more complicated than fruit is a fruit that thinks it's a vegetable. Yeah I don't care if you think this answer is lame, go write your own fruit complexities blog entry.

#9 The lychee

The fruit that is a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a strange layer of grandma elbow skin. This fruit is also disgusting, it has a thin edible layer of semi solid snot like texture wrapped around a hard nut. (I'll give YOU a hard nut, nyuk nyuk nyuk, I slay me) The fruit is altogether unpleasant possessing mostly bland flavor. How can you get excited about bland snotty elbow skin? The complication, who the fuck wants to eat these things?

#10 the Prickly pear

This fruit grew spines to protect itself from the hungry masses. Also it is only ripe for about one day a year on which day it is the sweetest nectar of the gods, every other day that it is either under ripe or over ripe and either case will make you double over vomiting from its soul crushing/hate mongering flavor. I'd rather take a pineapple to my hard nut than tangle with an under ripe prickly pear. Although on the other hand I would pass at an opportunity to slather my naked body in glitter and chocolate mousse while riding the back of a winged Pegasus with my Ziggy Stardust makeup on for a perfectly ripe prickly pear.

BONUS #11 The durian

Medieval battle implement? Space alien embryo? Biological warfare? I am so afraid of this fruit that I have never even tried it. But since it is banned in most indoor locations, taxi cabs, hotels, and airplanes it is banned in more locations than C-4 explosives. Complicated, I think so. Here are some descriptions of durian that I have found

In 1865 Wallace wrote:

"The five cells are silky-white within, and are filled with a mass of firm, cream-coloured pulp, containing about three seeds each. This pulp is the eatable part, and its consistence and flavour are indescribable. A rich custard highly flavoured with almonds gives the best general idea of it, but there are occasional wafts of flavour that call to mind cream-cheese, onion-sauce, sherry-wine, and other incongruous dishes. Then there is a rich glutinous smoothness in the pulp which nothing else possesses, but which adds to its delicacy. It is neither acid nor sweet nor juicy; yet it wants neither of these qualities, for it is in itself perfect. It produces no nausea or other bad effect, and the more you eat of it the less you feel inclined to stop. In fact, to eat Durians is a new sensation worth a voyage to the East to experience."

However more recently a crass American asshole said of the fruit:

"...its odor is best described as pig-shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock. It can be smelled from yards away."

Ikea, what a place!?

So my wife and I went to Ikea this past weekend. Not much to really report, but I did find this:
It is a plastic mat to protect the floor from the rolling wheels of an office chair. Most importantly though it is called a Kolon. That is all.